Resolutions?

The year is coming to a close....do you make New Year's resolutions? I try hard not to make typical January 1 resolutions because I heard once that 80% of all resolutions are forgotten by the middle of February. If I am trying to make a change in my life, I don't want to be a statistic.

With that being said though, when all the Christmas decorations get put away and the house seems empty and clean, it seems like the "right" time to do some reorganizing of life. I received a great book for my kitchen this year. I love to cook, and I love to have all of the latest kitchen gadgets. This book actually goes through and tells you how to weed out some of the unnecessary stuff in your kitchen. I am implementing that system :)

The break from school for Nate is also another good time for me to make plans for when he does go back to school. I need to finish my certification for personal trainer. I have a goal of six weeks! I think that it's doable :)

As for all of the other typical resolutions, I think I will wait. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and that is when I do most of my life evaluations. I think about the past year, and the things that I want to accomplish in the coming year. I will be 43 this birthday. That sounds old...almost middle aged. I don't feel old though, and having an 8 year old keeps me from acting old!

So in the next couple of weeks I will be laying out some goals for my 43rd year....stay tuned :)

Tired of noise

Have I mentioned that I am an introvert? Well, I am. I get my energy from having some good quality alone time. I love hanging out with friends, and doing stuff with my family...but when I feel depleted I just want to crawl in the closet until I feel better.

Today is one of those days. I am exhausted from Christmas. I am fighting a cold (I think). And I really want Nate to go back to school. Then, of course, I feel guilty for thinking that but it's been 10 days of being home and I am in serious need of a mom break.

Enough of that negativity....

Eating has been good. We had a lovely dinner on Christmas Eve of prime rib with baked potatoes and asparagus. Then...red cake for dessert! Yum! I enjoyed a piece of cake three days in a row...but then I went right back to eating the way that I have been for the last three months. It will be interesting to see how the scale reacts this week. I did a lot of good, hard exercise to counteract the cake, but you never know how all that sugar and fat are going to react within your body. I will keep you posted :)

My workouts have been awesome! I burned 4200 calories last week just in exercise!!! That kicks some serious butt! There is a huge cold weather system getting ready to hit here though...so the workouts will be indoors for the next 5 days or so. I will have to work harder and getting a good calorie burn, but I have a confidence in myself that I will get it done!

Okay...off to have a few minutes to myself before Nate realizes that I am not around and wants some attention :)

Goal Hit!

I had an original goal of 20 pounds by Thanksgiving. I did that. Then I was trying to decide on the next goal, and just decided to stick with the same theme. I wanted to lose 30 pounds by Christmas. Christmas Eve marks 12 weeks into this journey. I figured 30 pounds in 12 weeks would be a challenge but if accomplished it would kick some major booty!

I peaked at the scale today.

I wasn't going to until Friday morning...but I couldn't help myself once I got out of the shower.

And....

Goal accomplished!

I am 30 pounds lighter. I am 30 pounds healthier. I am 30 pounds stronger. I have also worked on my emotional connection with food, and had some pretty good victories in that department as well.
Feeling pretty darn good today!

Now to come up with the next mini goal....they keep me focused and motivated. Plus with a mini goal I don't get so focused on the big picture that I still have A LOT to lose. I like mini goals :)

Trying to heal

I'm a stress eater. That is not breaking news. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. The trigger is a very familiar feeling. Something happened today to create that feeling. It was a phone call that turned ugly. I don't believe that this person meant to hurt my feelings, but it happened.

I hate confrontation. However, I am getting a little better at letting people know that my feelings were hurt. In this particular case though, I cannot tell the person. Nor would I want to if I could. So the icky feelings are in my tummy...running through my body. In the past, I would not even acknowledge these feelings. I would just go to the pantry and look for food to devour. Mostly salty food, but sometimes chocolate does the trick. I would eat until the hurt feelings were replaced with that overstuffed feeling of overeating. Then there would be remorse for my actions, but still I would not feel the hurt.

Today however, I am trying to just feel the feelings. I want to accept them, give them some attention and TLC, and then hope they dissipate on their own. I don't want to cover them up with food. For a multitude of reasons I want to own these feelings, but mainly because stuffing my face with mindless calories is DEFINITELY counterproductive to achieving my 30 pound weight loss by Christmas. And stuffing my face does not make the hurt go away, it just hides it and starts a vicious cycle of binging, remorse, revulsion, binging again...etc etc.

I have said again and again that this time around I want to "fix" my unhealthy relationship with food. I don't want food to be my crutch. I want to own up to how I feel, and address the issue if that is possible. In this case it isn't so instead I am going to get on the treadmill, and hopefully replace the icky feelings with some "feel good" endorphins. And then release the hurt. No one can make you feel bad without your permission...that is a quote I heard somewhere. It seems very appropriate today.

11 week totals

Yikes! It's been too long since I posted! And I am in a MUCH better frame of mind, which makes everyone happy :)

This week is 11 weeks of this journey...and...drum roll please......

27.5 pounds is gone!!! Woot! 2.5 lbs to go to hit my Christmas goal...I think it's attainable, people! My clothes are getting bagging. I feel amazing. I get so addicted to this feeling that I have no idea why I ever stop and become complacent. But...I am not focusing on that today because today I relishing in my good feelings.

Nate is officially out of school for Christmas break. Two weeks off, and I am hoping not too much boredom. I would like to get some bike riding in with him if the weather is good. We'll just have to see how it goes.

I have been working out a friend of mine. She has been coming over a couple of times a week and I have been putting her through this kettlebell workout. It's a pretty hardcore workout, and she is doing amazing! She was extremely sore after the first time, but not as bad after that. She tells me that she has a friend willing to pay me for a good workout. That makes me really happy since I am supposed to be working on getting certified for personal training. If someone is willing to pay me now...I just may be able to make a little money doing it once I am certified :)

If I could make money getting people fit, it would hold me accountable to stay fit. That is a huge dream of mine. Although it seems pretty attainable. I seem to be my own worst enemy so as long as I keep my eye on the prize, it will come to be :)

If you can believe it, you can achieve it

*Warning* If you are reading to be inspired, maybe you should come back another day.

I am having a moment. Actually, this whole week has been a moment. And. I'm. Sick. Of. It.

Food has not been my friend this week. I have been very hungry. Well, that might not be true. The emotional Kelly is hungry, but for I what I do not know. Therefore, food and I have been adversaries this week. I went out to eat more times this week than I have in the last 10 weeks. I ate consistently more calories than I am used to consuming. My exercise calories burned was not as good as it's been. Yada. Yada. Yada.

Apparently, my perspective is whacked! I lost 2.5 pounds this week. WHAT?!?!? Seriously. I feel like I have been at war within myself, and I guess I won. Maybe I wasn't even at war. Maybe my head was playing emotional games with me. Maybe it was a test. All I know is that this week was hard. It has been the hardest of all the 10 weeks so far. I wanted to quit. I wanted to eat french fries. I didn't want to count calories.

I didn't quit.

I didn't eat french fries.

I counted my calories.

I thought that this post was going to be a whiner session. I thought that I was going to be "oh poor Kelly...this is sooo hard. You might as well quit" Hmmm..interesting that as soon as I started typing my mind said, "Hey now! Wait just one minute! You did some pretty good things this week!"

I didn't realize until just now that I had done anything good this week. I have been so focused on the struggle that I forgot to celebrate some of the small victories. Interesting.

I actually talked a lot about this with Jim today too. But I was pretty negative then. I told him some of the stuff that I say to myself. Really. Nasty. Stuff. Things that I don't even think about anyone else that has their own journey let alone say it out loud. He said to me, "You know, sometimes you really tick me off when you are so hard on yourself." You know what I said to him? I said it makes me mad too.

I don't know where this internal Kelly came from. Did it happen in the womb? Did it happen growing up with an alcoholic dad? Did it happen because I have always been the chubby girl? I don't know. I do know this. I am almost 43 years old, and that's a really long time to be set in my ways. It's really hard to change internal Kelly....but it HAS to be done. I need to start believing that I am strong. That I am successful. That I am capable. And what needs to change is the reaction to a bad day. Just because I want the french fries doesn't make me a failure at weight loss. Just because I am sick of counting calories today doesn't mean that tomorrow it won't be fun again.

I truly have to change my behavior and attitudes towards myself if I ever want to be healthy, well adjusted, thin, Kelly. It just won't happen without my head on board with the future that I want for myself.

I am strong.

I am capable.

I am successful.

Now to just believe....

overwhelmed...holiday stress?

I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I am not sure if it's the time of year, or if something is going on with me. I don't like this feeling though. I am constantly feeling an invisible time crunch that is all in my head.

The stress is taking it's toll on my resolve as well. The last couple of days I have just wanted to throw in the towel on all of this calorie counting stuff. It's exhausting when you're already feeling overwhelmed. Not only do I NOT want to count calories, I want to make poor choices. I haven't. Yet. And I do feel more in control of my food today, but geez, can't something be easy right now?

Nate has five full days and two half days left of school before Christmas break. Yikes! Then two full weeks off...I am hoping to come up with a lot of fun active things for us to do so that he doesn't just play video games for two weeks. We may go to Tucson to see the in-laws, but I haven't set anything up yet.

Exercise has been going pretty well. I haven't done a lot of really long days, but I have been consistently exercising for an hour minimum. Pretty proud of that :) One thing I have noticed just this week though...I wear a heart rate monitor...and just the last three days my max heart rate for an exercise session has been about 5 beats lower than it was just last week. What that means is that when I am fully exerting myself on the hills or the treadmill my heart rate is going up as high. At first, because I am mean to myself, I thought that I must not be working as hard as I usually do. But...after being the third day of it, I realize that I am pushing myself as hard as I can on the bike ride. So, I guess that it means I need to add more distance or up the gears to work a little harder...woohoo!

I plan on having one snack tonight (maybe two), and leaving the kitchen closed after that. Again, I am feeling a little better today with regards to food so this shouldn't be a problem. If it seems to become a problem, I will probably come and blog some more:)

Beautiful day :)

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving afternoon. This was the day that I hit my 2 month goal of 20 lbs lost :) It was a beautiful day, and the sun was warm and vibrant.

Yesterday was the choir concert, and I had all the food issues. I ended up going for a bike ride to get a good calorie burn and then I made my own lunch. I figured that if the food provided wasn't something that I wanted/needed then I could eat my own lunch. Boy! Am I glad that I did that! They had spaghetti for us to eat!!! And! And! Our outfits are white shirts! What were they thinking serving us spaghetti??? So anyway...crisis averted...I ate my own food and that way it was fairly healthy and not messy :D

Today has been a hungry day. Not sure why but I am trying to be aware of what is going in my mouth. Plus I am trying to stay busy so that boredom doesn't set in and I munch mindlessly.

Just wanted to get this picture up. Write more soon :)

How big is my commitment?

Today is our huge choir concert! There are six choirs at the college that are performing for a dinner theater tonight. We have two performances, and just going through the dress rehearsal this week I think it's going to be something special to be a part of tonight. I wish that I could be a guest to view it as spectator rather than being sequestered in a small room most of the time unless I am on stage...ah...but the price of performing :)

Here is my dilemma: We have to be at the college at 1pm for warm up, fine tuning, and to be ready to perform at the first show at 3pm. There is a two hour break between performances, and during that time the music department is feeding all 185 singers. They have not told us what the food is, and they haven't mentioned that if it's something really unhealthy that I don't want to eat...can I leave and go to Subway...hmmm.

I am nervous, and I can't just wait until it's all over to eat since we won't be finished until close to 10pm..sigh.

My choices: Eat what they are providing for us and hope that there are some choices that I can live with, pack my own food, risk the chance that I will be allowed to leave and go to Subway, or do a good workout this morning to counteract the potential damage of the dinner....sigh.

I don't have any idea what I am going to do.

I am leaning towards doing a workout this morning AND packing my own food as a "just in case" situation, but eating what they provide if there are some decent choices.

This commitment to myself is sometimes very difficult.

A quick check in

I feel as if I have so much to write about, and yet I have ignored my blog all week! Yikes! What is up with that!

First and foremost.....

22 pounds in 9 weeks!!!!

I am pretty proud of myself for that accomplishment....I can't say that it's been all that hard physically. There is a lot of emotional stuff that has presented itself, and I feel like I have handled it pretty well. However, I have A LOT of negative self talk that I need to figure out how to stop. *sigh*

I have a great support system these days with friends, my mom, my husband, and even my son. It's amazing how I can have so many supportive people in my life. I wish that I felt even half as strong as everyone in my life seems to think I am.

So..I have more to write later...but at least wanted to get my weight loss out there for you to see :)

Tough week

Ugh! It has been a rough week. The anniversary of my dad's death was Tuesday, and while I think I am mentally prepared for it....yeah well. I was actually really good almost all day. I planned a bike ride and weight lifting in the morning, and then I hung out with Jim. So far so good. But as the time got closer and closer to the actual time of his death I felt myself losing ground.

I had choir also that night which normally wouldn't have been a trigger, but it being the anniversary and Silent Night being my dad's favorite Christmas carol....again lost more ground. Fought tears off and on throughout the rehearsal.

When I got home, I was alone. Jim was at work, and Nate stayed at my mom's. Normal past behavior would have dictated a full on binge. I was a bit nervous because I came home hungry. However, I had a small container of soup and some crackers and called it good. I was extremely proud of myself.

I acknowledged my sadness, watched a sad show on TV to give myself a "good" reason to cry, had my soup, then went to bed feeling still sad, but also strong. I am not sure that I have ever done that before. I don't always give into a craving to binge, but I know that I hardly ever give myself permission to feel. So I will call the day a success.

The rest of this week has been pretty blah. Nothing exciting to report regarding my eating or exercise. I weigh in tomorrow, and I will try to blog tomorrow regarding the results :)

Why am I so mean?

I woke up this morning with a migraine :( Ugh! I crawled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to grab the Excedrin Migraine. That stuff is a miracle worker for me. I went back to sleep for about 30 minutes and it was gone except for the lingering nausea. I had big plans of exercise today, but not feeling well put the kibosh on that!

So...what do I do when I don't feel well and I can't exercise as planned? A small anxiety attack. Logically, I know that missing one day of a scheduled workout won't undo all the good that I have done. However, missing a day due to not feeling well is scary. That is how things started in March, and we all know how that ended up for me.

I am trying really hard to breath, and to take care of myself inside and out today. I can be pretty mean to me. Things that I would never ever ever say to anyone else because it's so rude I say to myself without a second thought...sigh. Therefore, I am trying really hard to give myself a break and realize that tomorrow I am going to feel just fine. I will get a great workout in tomorrow :)

On to some more pleasant news....my mom and I rode 19 miles yesterday on our mountain bikes!!!! It was fabulous!!! We did great, and I can't wait to do it again :)

We are trying to come up with a Thanksgiving menu that is yummy yet fairly healthy. I have been researching some side dishes but may just stick to the tried and and true.

Head still hurts...so I am signing off for now.

I have my head in the game

Yesterday was weigh-in day :) I lost another 2.5 lbs. That makes it 15 lbs in 6 weeks!!! I am thrilled with my progress. It is difficult some days to stay on track, but it hasn't been impossible. It is pretty exciting to be this mentally "in the game". I haven't felt like this for a couple of years.

I am not even nervous about the holidays coming up. We have made a Thanksgiving plan, and I will do most of the cooking. I will make the actual meal a very healthy meal. The sides will be tasty yet low in calories. We did decide that we want pie. That will be my splurge. I LOVE pumpkin pie. My only little feeling of anxiety is if I can only eat one piece of pie....we'll see :)

This is the week that I will start upping my bike mileage. I am ready...I think. Sometimes our normal 15 miles is relatively easy, and sometimes it is still mentally challenging to get through. We are only going to add a couple extra miles so it should be okay. I will let you know after tomorrow :)

I don't have a whole lot to say today, but wanted to give a weight loss update. I am sure that I will have more to talk about soon...I almost always do :)

I needed a do-over today

Today started out as one of those kind of days. I have been sleeping until 6am or so lately (sometimes later *guilty pleasure*) but today I wanted to get up a little earlier. I set my alarm for 5:30 so that I could get up and study for a little while before Nate got up. So how did that work for me you ask? I rolled over and turned the alarm off...oops.

About 30 minutes later, Jim started talking/moaning. I opened my eyes and listened for a minute. His talking was getting more and more frantic and he started yelling the word NO! I thought he was dreaming. After a little bit of listening, I tried to wake him up. Long story...short....he had one of his episodes where he passes out and his body temperature plummets. It was short-lived today (thankfully). We have no idea why this happens, why it goes away so quickly, and have no prediction of when it will happen. This is the second time this year. Usually I call the ambulance and he gets taken to the hospital. Today I just treated him the same that the doctors do..minus all the tests. We never get any results, and his cardiologist has flat out said that unless it just happens to happen while they are watching....they may never know what causes it...sigh.

Then...Nate got up and was SUPER cranky. Really kid?! This morning you have to do that?! Ah well...got him off to school and Jim was sleeping again. I didn't want to leave the house with him sleeping just in case he needed me...so...I could have blown off the whole exercise thing today. In fact I felt justified in doing so.

But...after some thinking I decided that I would feel better if I got my heart pumping in a good way rather than the adrenaline rush of the morning fiasco. I jumped on the treadmill, and did 60 minutes of pretty intense walking intervals. I felt so much better after. It improved my mood exponentially!

Still kinda have some residual fear with Jim...I want to go watch him sleep :) But...usually after an episode he is good for several months or longer...so I just have to cross my fingers and pray that he is okay.

Swiss Rolls have 270 calories!!!???

I had a great talk with Jim last night. He has always supported me in my healthy journeys. And he has supported me when I am soooo not on that journey. I have learned after 20 years with him that he loves me no matter how I eat, how much I weigh, or if I exercise or not. He is a great husband in that respect.

After 20 years, he has developed a bit of a belly. (All of my good cooking :) ) He doesn't feel comfortable anymore in his skin...so last night we had the talk....

me: If you counted calories just for a few days, maybe it would be an eye opener in how you are eating.

him: A little Debbie Swiss Roll is 270 calories!!!

me: And being diabetic, eating less carbs will probably make your doctor happy.

him: A sleeve of Ritz cracker is 560 calories..that's not bad.

me: Because you're a man, if you just watched what you ate for like 3 days, you'll probably lose 10 pounds.

him: 243 carbs/day!!!! That is what this website thinks I should have?! This is going to be hard.

me: It always is...at the beginning. But you'll feel much better and healthier very quickly.


So....we'll see how this goes. For the last 5 weeks he has been eating an incredibly healthy dinner, it is just the rest of the meals that need a little work. Plus snack time needs some help...but I am happy to have a partner in my home to do this with and it will make us all feel better :)

He doesn't want to exercise yet, but I am hoping that he will get that bug as well. He has ridden his bike a few times with Nate and I...so maybe.

Hard day

Saturday was a pretty rough day for me. I was having a hard time with the big picture concept of this journey. As I have said before, the big picture is overwhelming to me sometimes. It just seems like it is going to be a long, difficult journey. And every once in awhile it seems just too difficult.

Saturday was one of those days. For about four hours Saturday afternoon, I was this close to throwing in the towel. It was a scary place to be. I had a lot of negative self talk that went something like this:

You won't succeed anyway, so you might as well eat donuts.

I don't want to count every calorie that I eat for the rest of my life, so I might as well stop now.

This is just too hard, and I don't want to do hard.


Sick, huh? Fortunately, it did only last about four hours...but those four hours were hell! Once I made and ate a very healthy and filling dinner I was okay again. And I have been fine ever since. I noticed though that my hardest days are days that I haven't exercised. That's a problem all in itself since I have to have a rest day every now and again, but I need to figure out my head on those days.

So that's where I am at right now...back on track but a scary day that I almost couldn't deal with. I am proud that I did not give in to that little voice, but I would like to work on that voice disappearing or at the very least getting quieter.

Almost Binge

Last night was the closest I have come to a full blown binge in the 5 weeks that I have been on this healthfulness journey. It was a bit scary, and I am nervous for tonight.

I believe several things led up to my night. First and foremost, I did not eat breakfast yesterday. By the time that I got home from my bike ride I only had an hour before we picked Nate up from school and it would be lunchtime. I figured that I could wait. I did...but really was too hungry to have done that.

Second of all, my lunch was not substantial enough. I had a frozen meal and a few tortilla chips. I should have tried to make that a better meal.

Thirdly, I had not thrown all of the evil Tootsie Rolls away the other day. I dumbly thought that I could "handle" having a few in the house as a treat now and again...obviously I was wrong.

The things that I did correctly last night:
1. Counted every calorie that went in my mouth!

2. Stuck to eating mostly nutritionally sound food (except for those damn Tootsie Rolls).

3. Went to bed before I could do any horrible damage.

I still ended up under my calorie allotment for the day, but only because I had ridden 15 miles in the morning.

I am trying to learn from this little diversion. I didn't exercise today...it is my normal day of rest :) I did have breakfast, and just ate a decent lunch. I am making a chicken for dinner along with squash so that will be a pretty low cal dinner.

And tonight? Well, I am going to make some sugar free, fat free pudding. Plus make sure I eat an apple or other fruit before I go for the "junkier" foods. I also got rid of the last of the candy (not that there was much left after last night). I am hoping that I am setting myself up for success tonight. Last night scared me. And I really don't want to repeat anytime soon.

12.5 pounds!

Today was weigh-in day! Another 2 lbs gone...woot woot!

I have a confession to make though. I got on the scale yesterday and was up a pound. I thought about freaking out about it...but then thought about what I had eaten throughout the week. I never went over my calorie allotment in a day, but I did eat out in restaurants A LOT this week. Analyzing that, I figured that I hadn't made a mistake in counting calories, but there was probably a TON of sodium in all that restaurant food.

Sodium=water retention=weight gain.

Instead of throwing in the towel, I figured that if I drank a ton of water that maybe I could counteract the scale. Guess what?! I did :) Love water..woohoo! I actually felt better by drinking so much water, and I did get the scale to move in the "right" direction.

It felt good to be realistic about the scale. I had told myself before I even got on the scale this morning that if it was still up a pound that it was okay. Life happens. And this week life was in full force with Halloween and Jim's birthday. Life is always going to happen. I can't deprive myself of the things that I like forever, and I won't. I will make better choices most of the time so that I can enjoy those fun life moments.

I really am working on my emotional response to food, the scale, stress, and all of the other things that happen. I am feeling healthier towards it most of the time. It is definitely a work in progress, and may always be that way...but just for today...I feel good about myself :)

Disgusted with the image

I normally cook dinner rather early by almost any one's standards. With Jim working nights I like to have a family dinner where the three of us can sit down (most nights) and talk about our days, etc. That being said it is usually still light outside when we eat.

We are very much like Seinfeld's parents and eat at 4pm on the days that Jim works. On the other days, since we are used to eating so early, I still have dinner on the table around 5pm. Still light out is my issue. Halloween night I cooked dinner a bit later. We spent the day getting ready for trick or treaters, and by the time we were hungry it was dark. And so by the time we ate it was dark outside.

We sat down at the table, enjoying our meal, when I caught a glimpse of myself being reflected in the window. Ugh! I spend my days living this healthiness journey only to have it torn down in a brief second of recognition. I know that I am very overweight. I don't deny that, but I do view myself as smaller than I really am...sad but true.

So when I saw myself, I was disgusted. Really disgusted. I hate that I am this big again. I see myself so differently sometimes. I see myself as a physically strong woman, but a work in progress as well. I just wasn't aware of how much progress I still had to do. When I get dressed in the morning, I never look in a mirror. I throw my clothes on and start my day. Now I know why I do that.

I know that I am moving in the right direction (now that the Halloween candy is out of the house), but it is still startling to see how far I have to go. I wanted this post to have nice morally high ending, but there really isn't one. I don't like what I see so I don't normally look. When I think about 12 years ago running the Tucson marathon I see a girl that was having a hard time stopping weight loss from happening. I know that I never fixed the emotionally issues that accompanied my overweight-ness, but I sure wish I would have stopped the weight gain before it got this bad again.

Candy is EVIL but was it a success?

I had made a plan last week to eat absolutely no Halloween candy at all. Yeah that didn't work out so well for me. Tootsie Rolls are evil. Really.

On the plus side, I did actually count every single calorie that I ate in candy. That was hard to do. Especially today. I just ate a bunch of Tootsie Rolls and my instinct was to forget that I ate them. Basically hide the fact that I ate them. That, though, is the old me. The new me held herself accountable and wrote down how many of those damn Tootsie Rolls that I ate. 200 calories worth. Really?! I could have had something a whole lot more nutritious and filling, but nooooooo.

However, while I am not proud of how many I have actually eaten in the last 3 days I am proud that I held myself accountable for each and every calorie. That really is something that I would never have counted. I would have eaten as many candy bars as I wanted, and then said that I that I screwed up the whole day. Which then would have led me to grab the bag of chips or more candy. Sooooo....all in all I am counting Halloween as a success.

I told Jim earlier to pick out what he wanted of the candy that is left, and when I am finished typing this I am going to throw everything else in the trash. Yes, it is a waste of money. However, my health is priceless.

10.5!!!!

I (re)started this healthiness journey that I am on on October 1, 2010. That is four weeks ago today. I had one small goal at the time....10 pounds lost in the first month.

I did it!!!!

10.5 pounds lost in 4 weeks!!!!

I am pretty darn excited about that! Can you tell? hee hee. I have decided that to look at the big picture of losing 75+ pounds is far too much for my brain to come to terms with. I know myself too well, and know that I will hit the magic 50 or so pounds and start to get lazy about journaling my food. I tend to get lazy because it ends up seeming like I have worked really hard and really long, but still have such a long way to go. And I just want to be finished. Finished? Really?! I need to get over that right now! I am never going to be finished. This is F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

That is such a hard concept. I have a ton of self motivation and drive for 6 months to a year and then it just seems that convenience gets in the way. I am hungry, and there is a fast food place. I am hungry and will just throw something processed in to cook quickly. Sigh. So...the goal is to try to always be prepared. Always have something quick, easy, and healthy that I can feed my family. Planning is key.

If I stay on top of the plan, then I will have success!!! I just know it :)

Trying to change my mental attitude

Tomorrow is four weeks of "being good". I am trying to get my mind away from that kind of thinking. I really want this to be a forever kind of change. I don't want to think about food and exercise in terms of good and bad. I don't think that that creates a healthy relationship with myself with regards to food.

Like I said the other day, exercise is really not the problem. Now that I am not sick and completely back into the swing of things, exercise is almost as automatic as brushing my teeth. I know that that sounds crazy, but my body craves that feeling of a good, hard workout. And I tell ya...I have been giving my body what it wants lately!

Today I rode 8 miles and then lifted weights for about 45 minutes. Tomorrow is the 15 mile ride. I want to start adding to that long ride soon...my ultimate goal is to be able to ride 100 miles one day. Yeah...I hear that that is pretty crazy on a mountain bike..but you do what you can with what you got.

Back to the good and the bad...my plan is that this is a forever lifestyle change that I have made. I know that we plan and God laughs but, I am pretty sure He is good with this plan :) I spent seven months of this year sick. I have never been this sick before nor do I want to be again. I know that I cannot stop all germs from infiltrating my body, but I also know that the healthier that I am the less likely I will get sick. If I give my body the nutrients that it needs, then it will run like a brand new car. If I give it Cheetos and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, it's going to run like a pinto.

That doesn't mean that I am giving up all foods that don't have a significant amount of nutrients. Nope. In fact, I had a mini Tootsie Roll last night. It was yummy :) I am just going to be very aware of the foods that I am eating. Right now I am inputting all food consumption plus exercise into a website to keep track of it. Food journaling is one of the proven methods of weight loss. So, I am journaling. It is working. I think twice about what I am eating if I have to plug it in and see how many calories it is. Right now, it is what's keeping me accountable to myself. Long term I hope to wean myself off of it once I am at a weight that I feel comfortable.

So there ya go. Just some thoughts that I needed to put down today to keep me focused on my goals. I like getting closer to them every day :)

Trusting yourself is not as easy as it sounds

I'm trying to teach Nate to tie his own shoes. He is eight, therefore we are a little behind the ball in doing this. However, if it is one thing that I know about my son, it is that if he isn't ready to learn something he just won't learn it.

*A little background* When Nate was about six months old, I was talking on the phone to a friend of mine about our kids that are one day apart. I said to her, "Isn't it fun to watch them play...their hands mirror each other. How cool is that?" Or something to that effect. She had no idea what I was talking about. That was my first indication that Nate was a little different. At that magic six month age, he stopped following the books as far as development went. He didn't crawl. He didn't start babbling. He didn't eat the next stage of food when he was "supposed to".

He ended up in speech therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy from the time he was about 9 months old until he was about 3. He never said a word in all of that time. He never did crawl, but at 14 months he stood up and walked across the living room without falling. When he did speak (after begging and pleading for years), he didn't just say a word...he said a full sentence.

What does all of this mean?

Nate won't do a damn thing until he is ready to do it. It was that way when he was six months old and it is that way now that he is 8. He has overcome all of the "issues" that put him in therapy to begin with except for the mirroring of his hands. When one hand is doing something...the other is doing the exact same thing in mirror form. This makes it very difficult to learn how to zip up a sweatshirt, button a button among other things. It also makes it nearly impossible to learn how to tie shoes. His hands don't seem to have independent motion. Therefore when attempting to do something that requires both hands to be doing something different...yeah...not so fun.

Fast forward to this afternoon: I was talking to him about tying his shoes, and asking him if he trusted me to be able to teach him how to do it without me getting upset and yelling. He said yes. But then he said something kind of interesting...

He said, "But I don't trust myself to be able to do it right!"

Hmmm...now that is a profound statement. I am guilty of the exact same thinking. When I don't trust myself to be able to do something...more often than not...I just don't try it. I have to believe that I can do something before I will try it. Sad. Like Nate, there are times when I am short on that belief.

I am learning a lot from Nate these days, and in doing so, it is giving me the patience that I need to help him reach his goals. He needs a lot of reassurance that he is capable. Me too. Most of the time I believe that I am going to lose all the weight that I need but sometimes it becomes really overwhelming and I think that I just won't be able to lose it all. I will fail somewhere around the 50 pound mark. I almost always do.

The difference is....this time when I feel overwhelmed....I say I can lose these first 10 pounds. That is all I have to lose right now...10 pounds. I can do that. I believe that. I may not believe that I can lose 75 pounds right now, but I sure can lose 10. One small goal at a time will get me to believing in the big picture. When I don't have it in me to look at the big picture, I just look one little step ahead. That's easy....like tying that shoe. The whole big picture is overwhelming to Nate, but today we worked on crossing the laces. That's it. That's enough to get him to believe in that right now.
And belief is all it takes.

Food issues

I have found my "honeymoon" phase for this new and improved healthy lifestyle is waning just a little. I have been hungry for three days now, and I really want to eat things that have absolutely no nutritional value...sigh.

Exercise is going really well. I have my mojo back with that...so that is really something positive. But to be completely honest, I have never had a lot of trouble finding the motivation/inspiration to exercise. It's always the food that gets me. I have huge issues with boredom and food. Stress and food. Celebration and food. Well..just food. :)

You get the picture.

I am trying to figure out a different way to approach things this time so that I really really really never have to lose the same weight again. I want this to be forever, and I realize that in a perfect world I would just never have cakes, cookies, chips, etc again. However, I don't and neither does anyone else live in a perfect world. So....

The boredom really should be easy. I have a TON of projects to do...craft and otherwise. The problem here is the desire to start a project is just not there. I think I may have to approach it like I did with the exercise and healthy eating thing. Just do it. It will become fun and exciting once I begin something that I enjoy doing.

Stress. Well so far, so good. I have tried to realize the stress in the moment, and then taking a few deep breaths. That is working. Being mindful that stress is the driving force behind most of my eating issues is key. Breathing, praying, and redirection are what is working so far :)

I am sure that I will have to write more about this topic, and for now my plan is to blog whenever I am feeling a little out of control and the desire to raid my pantry is high. Writing about my feelings seems to help get me back to center and feeling more in control.

How much time do you have?

How do you spend your time?

I was at a Mary Kay event this morning, and the guest speaker said something that resonated within me.

She said, "We all have the same 168 hours in every week. What are you doing with your time to stand out?"

Wow. I feel like such a slacker. I have been consistently exercising 6 days a week for three weeks and that equals approximately one hour per day. And that is about the only productive thing that I have done for the last three weeks. So let's break it down.

168
- 7 hours per week exercising (giving myself a cushion for the days I go over)
-49 hours I spend sleeping
--------
112 hours per week that I could be doing something productive.

I don't have a "real" job. I have several small but important jobs: the house, yard, apartments. I have one main job...Nate. Let's just say that I can (and should) spend 40 hours on bettering myself and my family.

We were told today to make a dream list or a "bucket list" and start working on crossing things off of that list. A couple of the things on that list is to finish my personal training certification and to finish editing my book. I should be able to do both of those things all the while getting my Mary Kay business going again.

It's time for the proverbial sh*t or get off the pot. Crude, but true. I have been a stay at home mom for five years, and Nate is now at school more than he is at home. He needs me for less "hands on" time and I can start dreaming big for myself.

Time. It's a great commodity. Probably the most valuable, and I have lots of it. Now I just need the dream to attach to that time.

7.5!

Today was weigh in day! Another two pounds gone...WOOT! That makes a total of 7.5 lbs in 3 weeks :D

I am one happy camper! As I have said before, I just feel better. I am sleeping better, and I am not as tired during the day. It is amazing what my body will do for me when I take care of it. My knee still hurts sometimes, but if it does I take a couple of Advil when I go to bed and wake up with it feeling fine. So far so good! I can only imagine that as I lose all of the excess weight that my knee will stop hurting all together. That along with weightlifting to make the muscles around it stronger should stop all the pain eventually.

Being excited about my healthiness journey has inspired me to be excited about other things in my life again. I am excited to do some craft projects for Christmas presents plus am getting excited about Mary Kay again.

I am going to a Mary Kay event tomorrow. I am really excited about going. I am hoping for it to be the proverbial kick in the pants that I need to jump start my business again. It just amazes me that when you start to feel better about yourself everything else looks better too. Not a profound statement I know. The self confidence that I am beginning to feel again is just taking be by surprise. I don't think I realized how down in the dumps I really was. I think that I really hit bottom over the summer, and things are looking up!

Three weeks

Today marks three weeks of eating healthy and exercising very consistently. I can't even begin to tell you how good I feel, and how proud I am of myself. It hasn't been all that difficult although I have had a couple of days where I feel chronically hungry.

Another thing that I haven't done for three weeks....binge! I have been so excited about that...I can't even tell you! I have been strictly counting my calories, and I make sure to have some available for a snack after Nate goes to bed while I watch a show. That's been working for me so far. I have had the urge a couple of times, but I keep telling myself that this is forever....and for my life. If I don't take care of myself now, who knows how long I will be around. That sounds morbid, but that is my why at the moment. It isn't to look good or to be able to buy cuter clothes. It really is so I make sure that that I do my best to grow old with Jim and watch Nate become a family man himself.

It has been a good three weeks, and I am so glad that I am on this journey again and hopefully I have started the journey for the very last time...but I hope to be on the journey forever.

A happy day :)

A couple of months ago when I had just started to feel better some of the time, I went for a bike ride. It was a ride that a year ago was my "easy ride". It took just over 30 minutes, and it is just a little out and back. I used it on days that I was going to weight lift or just didn't feel up to a full 60 minutes of cardio.

This particular ride a couple of months ago was pure torture! I had to put my bike in one of the lowest gears plus it took about 45 minutes. I was devastated. I came home pissed off, crying to myself, disgusted with myself, not giving myself one little break for being sick for so many months. I can be pretty mean to myself. Anyway, that was the last time I rode it for at least another 6 weeks just because I was so mad at how out of shape that I had become. Geez! Really?! I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I needed to start out slow, and that my fitness really would come back.

Fast forward to today. I rode just over 8 miles today with two giant hills that were done twice (it's an out and back route). I stayed in a pretty high gear for most of the ride. It was hard, but it was doable, and I felt amazing when I finished. My fitness level is close to where it was last February. I still have a lot of weight to lose, but I feel better knowing that I can work out hard again.

I would call this another non-scale victory! Woot!

Missing a great man today

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the death of my best friend from college. On one hand it seems like he has been gone a lot longer than fur years, but on the other....I just cannot believe that it's been four years since I spoke with him.

He has been on my mind a lot lately, and sometimes when the fact that he is gone takes me by surprise....it hurts just as much as it did four years ago. He was a great man.

Sigh.

In other news...fall break is over! I just dropped Nate off at school. I had big plans of exercise then some much needed quiet time, but sleep was not in the cards for me last night and I trying to decide if I should exercise or not. It might help me feel a little better for at least part of the day until I crash hard....or it just may be painful to do. I am thinking that I am going to follow my 20 minute rule.

If I feel icky still in 20 minutes, I can stop exercising. Yep..that's the plan. Tired or not. Life gets in the way or not. Exercise and eating right need to be my priorities!

Non-scale victory!

Yesterday was our last big hoorah of fall break. We have actually had a really great week, but today is pretty much back to reality. I am tired but my house needs cleaned very very badly :)

So late yesterday afternoon, we got in the car and drove to Flagstaff. I had a gift certificate for Black Bart's Steakhouse that I wanted to use, plus we thought taking Nate to the observatory would be lots of fun.

The dinner was fabulous and the music was awesome! Nate had a great time! I ordered a very healthy menu option of shrimp and vegetable kebabs. Should have taken a picture...it was that good :) I knew I wanted dessert last night so Jim ordered the blackberry cobbler and Nate the chocolate cake. I had 3 bites of cake, and 2 of the cobbler. I was perfectly satisfied with that. I just needed a couple of tastes.

After dinner we headed up to the observatory and saw telescope views of the moon and Jupiter. Very cool. I didn't realize that until we got home last night that I had a major non-scale victory. We had to stand in line to see Jupiter for about 40 minutes. 3 weeks ago, standing that long would have made my lower back hurt plus my knee would have been achy. It didn't even occur to me until I crawled into bed that neither of those things happened. YES! It is amazing to think that I have spent the last 7 months of inactivity in an almost constant state of some form of discomfort. And yesterday...it was not there!!!!

My body is so happy to be active again and eating "good" foods and it's rewarding me. It is sad that I almost missed the reward...but I am glad that I recognized it for what it was :)

Weigh in day

Fall break has kicked my ass! I miss my routine, but I have to say that Nate has had a great time so far. On Tuesday, a friend of mine took her nephews plus Nate fishing for 8 hours! They had a blast, ate nothing but junk food, got burnt to a crisp, and caught ZERO fish! Die hard fishermen these boys to be able to be out there all day without even a nibble.

Wednesday, we picked up a friend of Nate's and went to Peter Piper Pizza. Then we took them bowling. We came home after that, and I made spaghetti for dinner with ice cream for dessert. The friend slept over, and I made bacon and pancakes for them for breakfast yesterday morning before we took the friend home. 24 hours of nothing but food that 8 year old boys would eat!

But guess what? I ate pizza at Peter Piper...I just ordered my personal pizza they way that I wanted it. I chose not to eat nachos at the bowling alley. The spaghetti was my homemade sauce and whole wheat pasta, and instead of ice cream I ate an apple with peanut butter. The bacon was the hardest to turn down, but I did and today reaped the benefits of choosing wisely this week....

5.5 pounds lost in 2 weeks!!!!!

Yep...I lost another 2 pounds this week. I was telling Jim just yesterday though that I really hate being a slave to that damn scale. If I never got on the scale, and just went with how my body feels...yep...I would still feel successful these 2 weeks. My body is so much happier not eating the junk and exercising consistently...sigh...it feels so good to feel good. It has been a long, long time :)

mind body connection

I went to bed last night fresh with the incredible feelings of yesterday's bike ride. I had a choir concert in the afternoon that was fun but tiring, and food choices were not the best because of the timing of the concert. Yet, with all of that, I did go to bed with a firm plan of getting up this morning, walking, then lifting weights.

Yeah....so didn't happen. I got up around 6:30 and Nate hadn't been up for too long so we chatted a little. I messed around on face book *evil time waster* for about an hour...was then getting ready to get dressed and decide where I was going to walk when a friend called....sigh....good to chat but motivation was slowly leaving the building.

I got off the phone with her, went to get dressed, came out, and then started chatting with another friend regarding plans for the rest of the week for our kids during this lovely fall break....yep...even more time wasted. By this time it was after 9am!!!! I am sooooo not a during the day exerciser. If I don't do it pretty much first thing it usually doesn't happen. Through all of this time wasting, I have to say that I was very willing participant. I was tired. My feet hurt from wearing heels yesterday for the concert, and I really just didn't want to walk or lift weights.

Then I tried to get Nate involved. I thought that if he wanted to go on a bike ride at least I would get a little activity in if not a high intensity workout. No go. He was not at all interested. At this point, Jim woke up. Motivation is very low, and now the timing kind of stinks. Sigh. Jim seemed to understand my need for me to move my body so he suggested that we all ride bikes. No go. Nate just wasn't up for it today.

I was about to throw in the towel, when at the very last minute I got a burst of resolve. I told Jim that I was going to go for a 30 minute bike ride then I would take a quick shower before we headed out to do our errands.

Lesson to this really long story. I ended up riding for 40 minutes, went 7 miles, and felt amazing afterward...woot!!!! Two weeks ago I would have totally just blown off the day. That is what the last 10 days has done for me. That is what those endorphins were for yesterday. My body, while tired, still craved that drug of exercise on some deep level that my brain couldn't really connect to...I am so glad that I talked my brain into doing what my body wanted and needed :)

Endorphins, baby!

There is a feeling flowing through my body right now that I haven't felt in many many months. What is it? It's vibrating throughout...it's ENDORPHINS! I can actually pinpoint the last time I felt like this...March 5. That was my last spin class before I got sick. If you have never felt that high you get from intense exercise...I highly recommend it! It is better than any drug out there!

How did I get these endorphins today? Hmmm...I am not sure why today and not any other time this week...but I went for a 8.5 mile bike ride this morning and it all just, well, clicked. I have been done with the ride for over 90 minutes yet I have not come down at all from that high. I truly feel like I am vibrating inside almost like I have had about 5 cups of coffee too many. Very strange, very cool, and very missed.

Having these feelings is like adding fuel to my campfire *see previous post*. It is exactly what I need to make sure that I eat right the rest of today. Because if I do that, then tomorrow I can get up and workout again to get more of the endorphins. Good cycle there, huh?

Oh how I have missed feeling this good about something my body has done. It is just amazing, and makes the world around me seem brighter today. Okay okay...I know that I am pouring it on pretty thick. But the fact that I haven't had this feeling in about 7 months is just horribly sad to me. And they came back today...it's a good day :)

Inspiration

I haven't written in awhile...obviously. After that last post, well, let's just say that I was Miss Downer Debbie for a little while. But since I wrote that last post, my little boy has learned to ride his bike and LOVES it! I have NEVER seen such determination in that kid to master something. I was so proud, and cried many proud mama tears throughout one weekend.

But in watching how much determination he had, plus seeing how often he fell and got right back up...was in a word inspiring. At one point middle of the week after he learned how to ride I counted how many bruises I saw on his legs. 14. Yeah 14! Yet, he never gave up. And he never was afraid to get back on the bike.

It got me thinking. I haven't had anyone inspire me in a really long time. I know that ultimately you have to inspire yourself, but I feel like it's like starting a campfire. A campfire will feed upon itself, but initially you have to provide the spark. And then you need to feed it every so often so it doesn't burn itself out. That is what I have been for 2 years. A burned out campfire. I needed a spark and some fuel.

Nate was my spark. He has shown me exactly what I have within myself to accomplish a goal. He shows it to me, because he came from me. We have very similar personalities. I watched him dig in and master that damn bike, and if he can do that...well I can lose some weight and regain my inner athlete back. Now I just have to provide the fuel to fire so that I don't burn out again.

As of October 1, I am back in action. I am exercising consistently, and eating healthy foods. I haven't binged in a couple of weeks, and I have to say that my insides are thanking me for that! I have a lot of weight to lose again...sigh...hate saying that...but it's the truth. I want to lose 75 pounds, and then reevaluate at that point. I lost 3.5 pounds my first week. I am pretty proud of that...wish that it was more...but know that to be healthy and long term that was a really good first week.

Today is tough and so was yesterday...I am hungry. I don't want to fall off the wagon so soon, but am going to have to find some snacks to eat in between meals that are healthy and filling. My long term goal is 75 pounds, but short term is 10 at a time. I don't want to get hung up in the I have so much to lose that I'll never get there. If I do that, I will end up quitting and I really don't want to quit this time. I want to keep moving forward, and not look in the past at the mistakes I have made or how many times I have done this...it's over...I have only today and tomorrow. To steal a phrase from a friend.... one bite, one breath. I am doing this one bite at a time, and trying my damnedest to learn why I binge and how to redirect that energy into something less self destructive. I'll get there... one bite, one breath.

It just sucks!

I haven't put much action behind wanting to be at a healthier weight for a long time. I am not exactly sure why that is but I am getting tired of just thinking about it. It's time to do something about it. I want to go back to spin but am terrified that I don't have the level of fitness required of spin.

I know that I have to start somewhere, but when I think about where I was before I got sick and where I am now....I get really pissed off. I miss being able to work out for an hour+ and knowing that it was hard but also knowing that it was very doable. Again, I know that I have to start somewhere....but does somewhere have to be so far back. Sigh.

It's time for my whole family to be eating healthier. It's time for us all to move more. It's time, but do I have the motivation again? Do I have what it takes to inspire my family to move towards a healthier version of themselves. I don't know. And...if I can't motivate myself and my family how could I EVER motivate anyone else.

On top of it all, it is very difficult to want to get out and exercise when you're still running a fever most of the time. It just sucks.

Catching up

I have a cold. At least I think it is a cold, but I have noticed that the lung issues that I had earlier this year are more prevalent when I am sick. Smells are triggering me to cough, etc. Ick!

Nate is back in school, and doing some extracurricular activities that leave him at school until 4:30 two days a week. It is very strange to have him gone from the house that long...I know that it will only get worse from here on out, but right now it is just weird. He is participating in drama (ahhhh...just like his mama), and then chess club (just like his daddy). Two very cool things to do, and I am excited to see how the year plays out with both activities.

All of that gives me extra time to do be productive. Have I been? Well, kind of. Mostly I have caught up on my relaxing, and then I got sick. The one exciting thing that I did do???? I finished reading my book. You know the one. The one that I wrote last November in a flurry of fingers flying :) I have been scared to read it. I thought that maybe it wasn't any good. However, I kinda liked it. I actually laughed out loud at one point. I have a TON of editing to do, and that is my next step but it is encouraging to know that I liked reading it.

So that's what has been going on. I still need a job, and I look at the want ads daily. There isn't much available unless you're a nurse or a medical assistant. But someday soon there will be an ad that will be perfect for me, and I will then have a job :)

Spinning out of....

Have you ever been on one of these? If you have, then you have noticed that if you hang on to the outside edge you feel as if you are spinning so fast that you are actually flying. However, if you stand in the middle, you can actually stand up straight and balance. It feels as if you are barely moving.

I feel as if I am in the center of my own private merry go round. Everything and everyone are spinning crazily in the direction of their dreams and goals while I am in the middle, standing still, watching it all happen without me.

I know that I am responsible for my own dreams and goals. I just don't feel passionate about anything right now. I am spending all of my energy on standing still that I can't even imagine taking that small step outward to begin to spin. I need a change, but am paralyzed in the center. I am afraid to take a step. What if it's the wrong choice? What if I am not good at it? What if I can't go back? What if...what if...what if.

I can't remember ever feeling like this before. I don't like it one little bit, but I seem to not be able to change it at the moment. I want there to be directions to this crazy life. I want someone to say to me, "This is what you are good at, and this is what you were born to do, and if you listen to me you cannot fail." That's pretty crazy, huh?

Oh how I wish that could happen....

I need direction...career-wise, spiritual-wise, and just in general. There has to be something about this crazy game of Life that I am not getting. I must not have been handed all of the rules or something. However, no one has I am sure. Up until this point in my life I have done great. I have set a goal, gone for it, and achieved it. Now, I just don't have a goal. And without that critical step, I can't move out of the center.

I have no wise answers here, and I absolutely know that they must come from within, but I needed to verbalize my questions and feelings to maybe be able to point myself in the right direction.

Back to reality

We made it back from Laughin safe and sound. It was extremely hot, but we had a great time. We went to movies, hung out at the pool, and talked and laughed A LOT. It was really good to reconnect. I find it hard to balance being a wife and being a mom...I can't seem to do both at the same time. Do other women have this issue?

Friday was our first full day home, and I had several things on the mandatory to-do list. I accomplished those, and yesterday I pretty much collapsed. I was so tired yesterday that I could barely function. I am not sure why this keeps happening, but it isn't just in my head. I slept until 7am today, and I NEVER do that!

So now I am trying to decide if I take it easy today or if I go outside to weed. I could also do any number of things on the "list" but maybe I will just listen to my body and relax today. The "list" can be worked on tomorrow when Nate is back in school.

I will be back in health/exercise mode tomorrow as well. I need to stick to the plan that I mapped out! I am also actively looking for a job now...so if anyone has any ideas...I am open to hearing them :)

homebody

We leave town tomorrow for our annual anniversary trek to Laughin. I have mixed feelings about this trip. I am excited to get away for a couple of days without Nate (I haven't been apart from him longer than about 18 hours since sometime last year!), but I am still not recovered from all the traveling we did all summer.

I am such a homebody. The actual act of getting me to go anywhere is brutal. I hem and haw about the decision to go, then I don't act like I want to go (which I don't), and then I just get grumpy for the couple days before we leave because of the 50 million things that have to be done in order to leave....but...once I get wherever we are going I have fun. So that is what I am counting on...relaxing by the pool (in 108 degree weather), going to movies, and just vegging out without anyone needing anything from me..ahhhhh :)

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. Maybe that is why I am feeling blue today. He would have been 64. I can't believe that he has been gone for almost 4 years!!! That just doesn't seem possible.

I did end up studying yesterday...yippee for me! I finished the last chapter in the section that I was in, and was able to take the next set of quizzes. I got 38 out of 40 correct!!! Woot!!!

Until Thursday....

The stats are in for the first week :)

The first week of my "plan" comes to a close. How did I do? Hmmm...take a look...

My plan:
Exercise 5x...actual 4x
Study 5x...actual 4x (but to my credit today isn't over yet so it could be 5x)

Better than last weeks totals, but still not where I want to be. Plus, the type of exercise that I actually did was the treadmill for 30ish minutes and some ab work and stretches. I need to get my cardiovascular strength back some before I can add in spin and I need to add a bike ride in also.

I ate VERY well 4 days as well...then there was a slight break down in my plan. Our anniversary was Thursday, and we started the day with breakfast out at Cracker Barrel therefore not much in the healthy choices department (not that I really wanted to choose healthy ) and ended the day at Baskin Robbins...ya see...not much healthy :)

Just that little derailment took me off course for another 2 days, but woke up this morning re-committed myself and away we go!

Change

I wrote a resume for myself today. I haven't written a resume in 17 years! It was very difficult to put into words what I think my strengths are to someone else. I am basically a stay at home mom who most of the time doesn't feel like I a viable contributor to society. Ha. How is that for some negativity!? Yuck!

Anyway, I need a job. I don't think that I need a full time job, just something that brings in a few hundred dollars per month to help pay our bills. Plus I want a bit of a cushion if and when I don't have full apartments again.

I love staying at home and taking care of things, but it's also time for me to be, well, me again. I miss talking to adults. I miss being an earner. I miss having some validation of the good work that I can do, because you know being a mom is pretty thankless..ha ha.

I read a quote today that I fell in love with:

Change for the better requires your effort.Change for the worse requires you do nothing at all.

Gosh, I love that!!! I actually think that I am going to post that at my desk. I have been feeling like I am standing in the middle of a merry-go-round while everything is spinning I am just in one spot. Not moving. No advancement. I need to make some changes, but change paralyzes me with fear! I am trying to make a conscious effort to make some small change everyday, and that way eventually I will get to a different spot and be able to reassess my goals/dreams.

The plan is working (so far)

I did it! I got up early this morning (although not nearly as early as I wanted) and did 30 minutes on the treadmill, then some ab work and stretches...lovely way to start my day :)

Got my sweet 3rd grader off to school, and came home and studied! I am very proud of myself :D

I am also doing very well with the counting calories and mindful eating...all in all a good start to the school year!

I need to get some pics up here of our trips this summer so that I have a way to memorialize them without scrap booking at the moment.

I have been feeling some discontent in my life, and for the longest time have thought that it was the sickness. Now...not so sure...may be having a midlife crisis...but need to blog/journal/pray about it so that it becomes clearer than the muddy waters it is now.

The switch is on!

Five months ago yesterday is when I got sick...5 FREAKIN' MONTHS of my life...just gone. Since I believe that everything happens for a reason, there must have been a reason for me to have been so down and out for so long.

I have tried and tried over the last couple of months to figure it out. Today, I may have found the answer. I have spent the last 2 years exercising my little heart out. I was good...great even at spin, lifting weights, etc. However, I hadn't lost ANY weight during that time. I ate what I wanted and worked out 5-6 days/week and called it good. Well guess what? It wasn't good.

It is time to focus on the calories going in this body. And today...the switch turned on. It feels good :) I have decided to count calories. Which holds me accountable for all that goes in my mouth since I will have to write it down..hee hee. There is a method to my madness.

I feel really good with this decision, and I know that as long as I am aware of how much I am consuming then it will eventually help me lose some of this excess weight. I am going to work towards exercising 5 days/week, but right now I don't seem to be able to do more than 3 days and sometimes only 2. I will get there. It will get better.

This is the best I have felt mentally in a really long time. I am patting myself on the back for this positive movement and encouraging myself that even though it will be hard the results are worth it!!!!

A plan!

School starts tomorrow. It is bittersweet. I am excited to get back to my routine of health and fitness plus begin to work on some "me" projects, but I have also enjoyed the time this summer of not having to be anywhere at a certain time. Yikes! That doesn't sound much like me does it????

I think that when I got sick that my desire to "do" something all the time went kaput. I would like it back, and I think that school starting is the first step. I have a plan to work towards. I don't think that I will be able to jump into this plan with both feet and have it work right away, but it is something that I hope is in place by September.

Here it is;

Monday: Get up and spin!!! Take Nate to school, and study for 2 hours on my certified trainer course.

Tuesday; Get up and walk/ride my bike/yoga. Take Nate to school and study for 2 hours.

Wednesday; Spin, Nate to school, hang out with the hubby (his day off)

Thursday; No exercise but study

Friday; Spin, Nate to school, study

Saturday; bike ride

Sunday; study/clean house

Well there ya have it...exercise 5 days/week and refocus on my certified trainer certification. Once I am finished with that I plan on spending the same amount of time editing my book. I also need to figure some income earning potential in there...but...not exactly sure how yet. Would really like to love doing Mary Kay again....wondering if it's possible????

Just a quick note

I have a lot of posting to do of pictures from two vacations. My mom, Nate, and I went to Southern Illinois for our family reunion. We had a blast! I have a ton of pics to go up.

Then Jim, Nate, and I went to Southern California for beach time and Legoland. So...lots more pics to go up.

I will get there, I promise.

I haven't written a lot lately because I believe that I am fighting some serious depression. I am trying to get over it and move forward so that I can put some words to my feelings.

I will get there soon I hope :)

You put the lime and the coconut....wait...there was no lime

In this week's bountiful basketI got two coconuts. Very strange since I have been on a coconut kick for awhile now. I LOVE coconut...but have NEVER tried to cook/eat/peel whatever a "real" coconut. I just always buy the shredded stuff in a bag :) So...the above picture is after I hammered a couple of holes into in to get the water out and then baked it for 20 minutes to make it easier to open.

This is after I took all of the husk off of the meat. It was BRUTAL to my thumb...just shredded it!
This is the remnants of the husk...and if you look closely you can actually see blood :( Don't worry...there was no blood on the actual coconut that we ate.
This is Nate taste testing the frosting for the cake that I made. He liked it :)
And this is the culmination of 4 hours worth of work with peeling and shredding the coconut and the actual baking of the cake. It is a pretty good cake, but I am not sure it is 4 hours of labor good :)

The weeds!

Look at my handsome yet serious boy! He turns 8 in two weeks!!! Crazy!!

These are what the weeds looked like throughout the entire back yard...should have done before pictures of the whole yard...but was too embarrassed! :) Nate and I have worked very hard, and this was yesterday morning...so just a little more to go!
Ick! The weeds had completely taken over! Usually in the spring at the first sign of the weeds, I start going out and getting them before they get out of control. However, with being sick...it was nearly impossible for me to do that this year. I got to the point that when I let the dogs in or out I just closed my eyes to it all. It was very frustrating and depressing, but...as you will see in the next posts...it looks pretty good now!

Back yard stuff

This is the "dead" space behind my garage. It is approximately 20 feet x 23.5 feet. This will eventually be a huge garden area for vegetables. I am doing some research, but will most likely do several raised beds back here to make it more attractive. I can't see this from my back porch, but would love to have a real garden with a lot of variety not just tomatoes.

Nate being goofy! But you can see my favorite chair!
I love this plant...it has turned into some really nice ground cover in this bed...and it gets pretty blue flowers in the springtime.
This is the view from my chair...see you can't see where the garden will be. The pond looks better from this view than more of a close up.
Nate watering my tomatoes for me! All of those weeds you see are in our easement. Technically the land does not belong to us, but the Town of Prescott Valley makes the homeowner responsible for upkeep. Sigh....it is on my to-do list. They pretty much ruined the easement when they came in February to fix the water leak. There are huge ruts in the ground and exposed wires...it is really a mess!

Back yard stuff

This is my pond....there are three fish in there, and a beautiful lily that blooms several times throughout the summer. I need to find something that will grow nicely in front of them pond to hide the black, but have been unsuccessful so far in keeping something alive in that spot.That yellow chair is my favorite spot to sit and just be. I will bring my water and a book out here and just sit a spell :) I listen to the birds chirping and the waterfall in the pond...very relaxing! The plant is St. John's Wart. It has taken OVER! I love the little yellow flowers that it gets, and believe it or not...I just trimmed it back!
This is the view to the left of my pond from my favorite chair. My tomato garden is back there, and I just had my yard guy trim the junipers back A LOT! They were taking over the yard, and not making me happy anymore. I was ready to just rip them all out, but he talked me into trimming them WAY back. I like the look. They look like bonsai now :)
Nate had just finished watering the tomatoes for me, and of course had to get into the pictures :) He has been a HUGE help so far this summer with the yard work. It has been fun being outside with him.

Where do you find inspiration?

Inspiration is an interesting concept. I have read a couple of blogs lately that address the subject, and it has made me think a little bit about it myself. One of the theories that I read about states that inspiration does not come from others...it comes from within. That is actually what has made me think about it so much.

I watch Biggest Loser and Losing it with Jillian. I watch them almost religiously. I am amazed by the transformations. I think that a day with Bob and Jillian would be amazing. However, do any of those people inspire me to do better myself. No, not really. If they did, I would be my smaller self.

All of this thinking has led me to believe that I don't inspire myself. I don't believe in myself. I don't really have any idea why that is though. In 1998 when I went on a 2 year journey to lose 150 pounds and then culminate with running a marathon, did I inspire myself? I don't know...I must have. I remember that I completely believed that I could do it. There was not one little bit of doubt in my mind. Why is there so much doubt now?

It was a very solitary journey back then. I went to the gym by myself. I ran by myself. I didn't even run with any music....just me and my thoughts. I was strong and knew it! Mentally, emotionally, and physically very strong. So what happened? For the past year or so I haven't worked out at all by myself. I went to spin class with 17 other people and if I did happen to do any weight lifting I did it with my mom.

I miss being comfortable enough to do this on my own. Since I have been sick I have started to get comfortable by myself again. I don't really have much desire to go back to the gym. I have a desire to ride my bike by myself. I have a desire to use the weights that I have here. I think I may be ready for that solitary journey. Weight loss is very personalized and individual. Some people absolutely need a buddy to keep them accountable. Some people don't.

I am not sure which person I am yet...but I do know that I will never be successful unless I start inspiring myself and really believing that I am worth all the hard work.