Been awhile...

Hey...so it's been a minute (or 4 years..whatever).  I was trying to find balance four years ago.  That never happened. So on November 22, 2019 I quit my job as a junior high math teacher.  Weird.  I spent most of December grieving for that job, my identity, and my friends that sided with the enemy. But here I am now on January 6, 2020. Woah...2020.  I am still jobless, but I am healthier, more relaxed, and ready to embark on some kind of new journey.

I have a feeling this will be some strange ramblings of the last four years all rolled into one chaotic post. Maybe I should do some bullet points?

• January 7, 2017 my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  Now both my husband and son are type 1.  More on that someday...
• I weigh within 3 lbs of when I started teaching.  Certainly not where I want to be but the job had the capacity of a lot of stress eating and I avoided that for the most part.
• I have not weight-lifted more than a handful of times in all of the years of teaching.  I started again last week.
• I turn 52 next week!!! How is that possible?!?!?
• Newsflash...I NEVER found balance with teaching.  It is a job that is a calling and for the most part absolutely loved it..however, it is definitely soul sucking.
• This past month getting to hang out with Jim (hubby) more has been wonderful...we still like each other!
• Nate (son) is a high school senior.  It has been an amazing year so far.  He was drum major of the marching band, and that was very much proud mama moments!  I will miss these band days...sigh.
• Nate was accepted to the University of Arizona!!!  My alma mater woot!  He will leave in 7 months...really not ready for that.  A lot more on that at another time.
• I miss bootcamps....
• I need a job of some sort, but one that lets me workout and go to the gym and get fit again.  I miss that about me.

Anyway...that is probably enough for now.  My intention is to be regular with this again.  I miss it.  It's my therapy.  I need to finish healing and have some intentional "get healthy" posts about eating and working out again.

A wake up call

Four year.

Four years since I have written to vent, to have people listen, to make me accountable, to figure out problems, or to just relax.

I am in my fourth year of teaching.  Coincidence that I haven't written in that long.  Probably not.  I have been keeping track of how many hours I work per week.  I haven't worked less than 60 hours in a week since school started.  Is it no wonder that my health has suffered?

It's fall break, and I made every medical appointment in the book this past week.  I need new glasses, Nate needs new glasses, I got a flu shot, and I had a physical.  The bloodwork for the the physical came back yesterday.  Wake up call time...I heard the words, "your A1C is elevated and you're considered pre-diabetic."  WTF!!! 

I knew I haven't been taking care of myself.  My students, job, my son, my house...all get top priority.  Never me.  So now things HAVE to change.  I HAVE to be my priority.  That's terrifying.  I haven't done that in a long time.  Over four years I have put everything else above me. 

Here's what I know HAS to happen:

1. I cannot work more than one hour at home after regular school hours.
2. I need to be making home cooked (healthy) meals.
3. I need to be in bed by 8:30 in order to get up and exercise in the mornings.
4. I need to get my cardio in after work by walking/running my dog.

Ugh...how do I accomplish all of that when up to this point this school year...NONE of it has happened???

That's what I am going to try and figure out today....

Do I deserve it?

I have done this weight loss/exercise thing for more years than I care to count.  I always seem to get to a weight on the scale that seems to trigger something in me to fail.  Why?

Here is my opinion:

1.  In my mind I am the fat friend/mom/wife/daughter etc.  If my "role" changes will my relationships change?  In simplistic terms...yes they will.  When I "got skinny" 15 years ago, a lot of my relationships changed.  I had many people tell me over and over again that I was losing too much weight before I even hit my personal goal weight.  (and to be honest my personal goal weight was still 15 pounds over what Weight Watchers thought I should weigh).  People looked at me.  I hated that!!!!  I like being the center of attention for my humor or knowledge but having people that I don't know "checking me out" was too creepy for me to handle.  I am a comfort zone kinda gal, and when my comfort zone went away I panicked instead of getting used to the new place.

2.  I always fail at keeping weight off.  Therefore if I get to that number on the scale, it triggers that mindset that I can't lose any more and I should just quit trying.  Ugh!  This one bugs me the most :(

3.  I love exercising, but I love eating too.  The saying that you get fit in the gym, but lose weight in the kitchen is SO true!!  I am an all or nothing girl.  I don't know how to eat just one serving of potato chips or cookies or anything else that should be eaten in moderation.  I have to cut out all of the junk completely in order to be successful, and when I do that I get frustrated and binge.  I wish I could be that person that can eat 1 cookie and feel satisfied but I am not :(

4.  I don't deserve it.  Here is the hard one.  Do I really feel that way?  I think so, but I cannot figure out why I feel this way.  Maybe it's all of the other reasons rolled into one big "you don't deserve this success so don't even try".    I don't know, but sometimes I get the feeling that if I could figure this out then the weight would just melt off.  I think that it would still take work, but if my mind wasn't my biggest obstacle then it would be so much easier. 

Why are we are own biggest obstacles?  I would never ever ever say things to a friend that I say to myself.  Why do I say it to myself then?  I am not sure, but it sure is degrading. 

Just some ramblings today as I get closer to embarking on a new chapter.  With school looming in the very near future, I sure would like to be more disciplined with my food and exercise plan.  I think it would go far in keeping my energy up to tackle a full time job plus grad school...now if I could just convince my mind.....

Feeling blue-ish

Today is Thanksgiving.  The traditional day to tell your friends and loved ones how grateful you are to have them in your life.  That is exactly how I feel.  I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing husband and son, and I can't even begin to talk about all of the amazing women that I have met in the last two years with my bootcamp business.  It makes me all teary and mushy inside.  But...I feel like there is something missing.  Something big.

I envy the people in this world that at 12 years old (or younger) know exactly what they want out of life.  They have it all figured out....career, spouse, kids, pets, house...it's all planned out.  From the outside it looks just perfect. 

But...what about people like me.  In high school I wanted to be a writer or a chef.  In college I was told I couldn't write.  So I got a degree just the about the complete opposite of writer...economics.  I never held a job in that field.  I have changed focus in my life 5 or 6 major times.  I am not talking different jobs in the same-ish field.  Nope.  I went all crazy each of those times and turned my life in a completely different direction.  At the time it seemed fun.  Today it just seems like a giant case of ADD.

I am about to embark on yet another complete turn.  I am starting my masters degree in January.  There are many things that lead to this epiphany, but in simplest form my body cannot handle teaching bootcamp and aerobic classes for the next 20 years.  I needed something easier physically.  I want to teach junior high math.  Yikes! 

I am scared that I will finish my degree, have thousands of dollars in loans to pay back, get a job, and then 5 years from now decide it just wasn't for me.  Do I have ADD?  Do I just get bored?  I don't know.  But I am scared.  And I have a feeling that because of this scary thing happening, I have absolutely no desire to eat healthy.  I put on a big act of being "all put together and in control" when really I am just a frightened middle aged woman afraid that I won't leave a mark on this world. 

So while I am really grateful and thankful for all that I have and the people that are in my life, I am terrified that this next big thing isn't what I want either.  I wish that I could be satisfied with good enough. 

I don't know how to balance it all

I am posting here because I don't want to post on my Bootcamp site.  I am feeling less than athletic, less than smart, less than nutritious, less than "all put together", and I don't know how to get out of this spiral :(

There is so much that has happened in the last 6 months. 

I was put in a walking boot this past summer, and that is probably the beginning of the end of my healthiness journey.  I was depressed.  I couldn't do anything exercise-wise except swim.  That is a very volatile combination in my world.  I ate.  And I ate.  And I ate some more.  Blah.

I am out of the walking boot now (since end of July).  My Achilles feels great most of the time, but I find myself favoring it.  I am wearing orthotics in my shoes.  They are wonderful on my Achilles...not so much on my opposite knee.  My personal theory about my knee though is if I would just lose the weight that I have gained...it would not hurt so much :(

My husband had a scary doctor appointment in August that threw us both for a loop.  I don't deal well with stress...so I ate some more :(  I am not going to go into the details but suffice it to say that this will rock our world eventually and not in a good way.

So....a direct result in my Achilles not liking step aerobics AT ALL and the potential scary medical stuff...I took a full time job at my son's school.  I am the kindergarten aide in the classroom. 

I have not had a full time job since Nate was about 3.  It has been a difficult transition.  I am trying to find the balance to work, workout, eat right, and be wife and mother..ARRRRGGGGHHH!  Balance is really hard.  I know that I need a plan.  I know that I need a few plans.  I know that I need to journal my food and count calories, but I am just so tired working full time that it all seems so overwhelming. 

I was hoping that by writing everything down here today that I would feel motivated to have a game plan.  I want to get through the holidays with no weight gain!  And honestly I would love some weight loss. 

Here I am again.  Broken.  Sad.  In desperate need to start this journey again :(  I really never wanted to be in this position again.  I have to face the music though.  It is time.  It is today.

Quick update :)

Oh my goodness! It has been an extremely long time since I last posted, and a ton of things have happened. Sheesh!

I have lost 45 pounds now! The weight loss is slowing a little, and I am mostly okay with that (I know...I know...but I am trying to understand that slow is good). For instance, I lost nothing this week but the last two weeks I lost a total of 5 pounds. I am good with that :)

I have changed my eating habits a little, well a lot. I am trying to follow more of the nutrition plan in my personal trainer textbook. It includes eating a lot more protein. I don't hit the daily goal very often, but I am eating more than I was a few weeks ago.

I have changed my exercise goals a little. I have ALWAYS loved cardio, and tolerated strength training. However, I know that building muscle is the best way to lose fat. With that in mind, I have designed a workout that does interval cardio/strength for almost 2 hours. It's a full body weight training plan, and I get enough cardio to make me happy :) I have been pretty consistent with doing the plan 3 days/week and then no more than an hour of cardio 3 other days. I may have to substitute yoga in for one of the cardio days, but right now I am happy with the routine.

The food and strength training combination are designed to build lean muscle mass and lose fat. I actually don't care what the scale says as long as I continue to get smaller :)

I guess that is enough of a recap for right now...I am going to try to get back in the blogging habit. It's been hard lately. Life has been crazy, and seems to be flying by...and I don't want to miss any of it :)

Feeling Groovy

Another week of the January come and gone...weird, right? Pretty soon we are going to be saying, "Where did the first half of this year go?!" It is just crazy how much faster time goes the older you are :D

So far this week I have put in 48 miles, and I still plan to exercise both days this weekend. Feeling pretty good with all that I have accomplished this week. Almost 6 chapters in my training book, and good mileage plus lots of personal stuff too. It always makes me happier when I feel productive!

My eating has been good this week. I haven't talked about my food intake much. I count my calories, and the website I use says to lose 1 pound/week I need to be eating 1700 calories. I rarely eat that many. I usually eat somewhere between 1200-1500. I realize that I should try and eat more, but I am just not hungry enough to keep eating. I am guessing that is why I am losing on average 2.5 pounds/week. I try to eat a variety of fruits and veggies, but it sure is hard in the winter. It is too cold for salad, and the fresh veggie choices are just not up to summertime standards. Our staples are green beans, asparagus, Brussels sprouts, and broccoli. We eat lots of squash though...my favorite food in the winter :)

Still no binging. I haven't even been tempted at all in the last four months. I am pretty proud of that! I sometimes question why I haven't, and I really hope that the reason is that I have done some of the tough emotional work that leads me to be addicted to food in the first place. I feel like I have confronted all of the "trigger" feelings head on and owned up to them and then released them...so to have the payoff be no binging is a sweet reward!

This was just a quick check-in for the weekend. I may have some exciting news next week...*fingers crossed* and I will keep you posted!