Disgusted with the image

I normally cook dinner rather early by almost any one's standards. With Jim working nights I like to have a family dinner where the three of us can sit down (most nights) and talk about our days, etc. That being said it is usually still light outside when we eat.

We are very much like Seinfeld's parents and eat at 4pm on the days that Jim works. On the other days, since we are used to eating so early, I still have dinner on the table around 5pm. Still light out is my issue. Halloween night I cooked dinner a bit later. We spent the day getting ready for trick or treaters, and by the time we were hungry it was dark. And so by the time we ate it was dark outside.

We sat down at the table, enjoying our meal, when I caught a glimpse of myself being reflected in the window. Ugh! I spend my days living this healthiness journey only to have it torn down in a brief second of recognition. I know that I am very overweight. I don't deny that, but I do view myself as smaller than I really am...sad but true.

So when I saw myself, I was disgusted. Really disgusted. I hate that I am this big again. I see myself so differently sometimes. I see myself as a physically strong woman, but a work in progress as well. I just wasn't aware of how much progress I still had to do. When I get dressed in the morning, I never look in a mirror. I throw my clothes on and start my day. Now I know why I do that.

I know that I am moving in the right direction (now that the Halloween candy is out of the house), but it is still startling to see how far I have to go. I wanted this post to have nice morally high ending, but there really isn't one. I don't like what I see so I don't normally look. When I think about 12 years ago running the Tucson marathon I see a girl that was having a hard time stopping weight loss from happening. I know that I never fixed the emotionally issues that accompanied my overweight-ness, but I sure wish I would have stopped the weight gain before it got this bad again.