10.5!!!!

I (re)started this healthiness journey that I am on on October 1, 2010. That is four weeks ago today. I had one small goal at the time....10 pounds lost in the first month.

I did it!!!!

10.5 pounds lost in 4 weeks!!!!

I am pretty darn excited about that! Can you tell? hee hee. I have decided that to look at the big picture of losing 75+ pounds is far too much for my brain to come to terms with. I know myself too well, and know that I will hit the magic 50 or so pounds and start to get lazy about journaling my food. I tend to get lazy because it ends up seeming like I have worked really hard and really long, but still have such a long way to go. And I just want to be finished. Finished? Really?! I need to get over that right now! I am never going to be finished. This is F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

That is such a hard concept. I have a ton of self motivation and drive for 6 months to a year and then it just seems that convenience gets in the way. I am hungry, and there is a fast food place. I am hungry and will just throw something processed in to cook quickly. Sigh. So...the goal is to try to always be prepared. Always have something quick, easy, and healthy that I can feed my family. Planning is key.

If I stay on top of the plan, then I will have success!!! I just know it :)

Trying to change my mental attitude

Tomorrow is four weeks of "being good". I am trying to get my mind away from that kind of thinking. I really want this to be a forever kind of change. I don't want to think about food and exercise in terms of good and bad. I don't think that that creates a healthy relationship with myself with regards to food.

Like I said the other day, exercise is really not the problem. Now that I am not sick and completely back into the swing of things, exercise is almost as automatic as brushing my teeth. I know that that sounds crazy, but my body craves that feeling of a good, hard workout. And I tell ya...I have been giving my body what it wants lately!

Today I rode 8 miles and then lifted weights for about 45 minutes. Tomorrow is the 15 mile ride. I want to start adding to that long ride soon...my ultimate goal is to be able to ride 100 miles one day. Yeah...I hear that that is pretty crazy on a mountain bike..but you do what you can with what you got.

Back to the good and the bad...my plan is that this is a forever lifestyle change that I have made. I know that we plan and God laughs but, I am pretty sure He is good with this plan :) I spent seven months of this year sick. I have never been this sick before nor do I want to be again. I know that I cannot stop all germs from infiltrating my body, but I also know that the healthier that I am the less likely I will get sick. If I give my body the nutrients that it needs, then it will run like a brand new car. If I give it Cheetos and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, it's going to run like a pinto.

That doesn't mean that I am giving up all foods that don't have a significant amount of nutrients. Nope. In fact, I had a mini Tootsie Roll last night. It was yummy :) I am just going to be very aware of the foods that I am eating. Right now I am inputting all food consumption plus exercise into a website to keep track of it. Food journaling is one of the proven methods of weight loss. So, I am journaling. It is working. I think twice about what I am eating if I have to plug it in and see how many calories it is. Right now, it is what's keeping me accountable to myself. Long term I hope to wean myself off of it once I am at a weight that I feel comfortable.

So there ya go. Just some thoughts that I needed to put down today to keep me focused on my goals. I like getting closer to them every day :)

Trusting yourself is not as easy as it sounds

I'm trying to teach Nate to tie his own shoes. He is eight, therefore we are a little behind the ball in doing this. However, if it is one thing that I know about my son, it is that if he isn't ready to learn something he just won't learn it.

*A little background* When Nate was about six months old, I was talking on the phone to a friend of mine about our kids that are one day apart. I said to her, "Isn't it fun to watch them play...their hands mirror each other. How cool is that?" Or something to that effect. She had no idea what I was talking about. That was my first indication that Nate was a little different. At that magic six month age, he stopped following the books as far as development went. He didn't crawl. He didn't start babbling. He didn't eat the next stage of food when he was "supposed to".

He ended up in speech therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy from the time he was about 9 months old until he was about 3. He never said a word in all of that time. He never did crawl, but at 14 months he stood up and walked across the living room without falling. When he did speak (after begging and pleading for years), he didn't just say a word...he said a full sentence.

What does all of this mean?

Nate won't do a damn thing until he is ready to do it. It was that way when he was six months old and it is that way now that he is 8. He has overcome all of the "issues" that put him in therapy to begin with except for the mirroring of his hands. When one hand is doing something...the other is doing the exact same thing in mirror form. This makes it very difficult to learn how to zip up a sweatshirt, button a button among other things. It also makes it nearly impossible to learn how to tie shoes. His hands don't seem to have independent motion. Therefore when attempting to do something that requires both hands to be doing something different...yeah...not so fun.

Fast forward to this afternoon: I was talking to him about tying his shoes, and asking him if he trusted me to be able to teach him how to do it without me getting upset and yelling. He said yes. But then he said something kind of interesting...

He said, "But I don't trust myself to be able to do it right!"

Hmmm...now that is a profound statement. I am guilty of the exact same thinking. When I don't trust myself to be able to do something...more often than not...I just don't try it. I have to believe that I can do something before I will try it. Sad. Like Nate, there are times when I am short on that belief.

I am learning a lot from Nate these days, and in doing so, it is giving me the patience that I need to help him reach his goals. He needs a lot of reassurance that he is capable. Me too. Most of the time I believe that I am going to lose all the weight that I need but sometimes it becomes really overwhelming and I think that I just won't be able to lose it all. I will fail somewhere around the 50 pound mark. I almost always do.

The difference is....this time when I feel overwhelmed....I say I can lose these first 10 pounds. That is all I have to lose right now...10 pounds. I can do that. I believe that. I may not believe that I can lose 75 pounds right now, but I sure can lose 10. One small goal at a time will get me to believing in the big picture. When I don't have it in me to look at the big picture, I just look one little step ahead. That's easy....like tying that shoe. The whole big picture is overwhelming to Nate, but today we worked on crossing the laces. That's it. That's enough to get him to believe in that right now.
And belief is all it takes.

Food issues

I have found my "honeymoon" phase for this new and improved healthy lifestyle is waning just a little. I have been hungry for three days now, and I really want to eat things that have absolutely no nutritional value...sigh.

Exercise is going really well. I have my mojo back with that...so that is really something positive. But to be completely honest, I have never had a lot of trouble finding the motivation/inspiration to exercise. It's always the food that gets me. I have huge issues with boredom and food. Stress and food. Celebration and food. Well..just food. :)

You get the picture.

I am trying to figure out a different way to approach things this time so that I really really really never have to lose the same weight again. I want this to be forever, and I realize that in a perfect world I would just never have cakes, cookies, chips, etc again. However, I don't and neither does anyone else live in a perfect world. So....

The boredom really should be easy. I have a TON of projects to do...craft and otherwise. The problem here is the desire to start a project is just not there. I think I may have to approach it like I did with the exercise and healthy eating thing. Just do it. It will become fun and exciting once I begin something that I enjoy doing.

Stress. Well so far, so good. I have tried to realize the stress in the moment, and then taking a few deep breaths. That is working. Being mindful that stress is the driving force behind most of my eating issues is key. Breathing, praying, and redirection are what is working so far :)

I am sure that I will have to write more about this topic, and for now my plan is to blog whenever I am feeling a little out of control and the desire to raid my pantry is high. Writing about my feelings seems to help get me back to center and feeling more in control.

How much time do you have?

How do you spend your time?

I was at a Mary Kay event this morning, and the guest speaker said something that resonated within me.

She said, "We all have the same 168 hours in every week. What are you doing with your time to stand out?"

Wow. I feel like such a slacker. I have been consistently exercising 6 days a week for three weeks and that equals approximately one hour per day. And that is about the only productive thing that I have done for the last three weeks. So let's break it down.

168
- 7 hours per week exercising (giving myself a cushion for the days I go over)
-49 hours I spend sleeping
--------
112 hours per week that I could be doing something productive.

I don't have a "real" job. I have several small but important jobs: the house, yard, apartments. I have one main job...Nate. Let's just say that I can (and should) spend 40 hours on bettering myself and my family.

We were told today to make a dream list or a "bucket list" and start working on crossing things off of that list. A couple of the things on that list is to finish my personal training certification and to finish editing my book. I should be able to do both of those things all the while getting my Mary Kay business going again.

It's time for the proverbial sh*t or get off the pot. Crude, but true. I have been a stay at home mom for five years, and Nate is now at school more than he is at home. He needs me for less "hands on" time and I can start dreaming big for myself.

Time. It's a great commodity. Probably the most valuable, and I have lots of it. Now I just need the dream to attach to that time.

7.5!

Today was weigh in day! Another two pounds gone...WOOT! That makes a total of 7.5 lbs in 3 weeks :D

I am one happy camper! As I have said before, I just feel better. I am sleeping better, and I am not as tired during the day. It is amazing what my body will do for me when I take care of it. My knee still hurts sometimes, but if it does I take a couple of Advil when I go to bed and wake up with it feeling fine. So far so good! I can only imagine that as I lose all of the excess weight that my knee will stop hurting all together. That along with weightlifting to make the muscles around it stronger should stop all the pain eventually.

Being excited about my healthiness journey has inspired me to be excited about other things in my life again. I am excited to do some craft projects for Christmas presents plus am getting excited about Mary Kay again.

I am going to a Mary Kay event tomorrow. I am really excited about going. I am hoping for it to be the proverbial kick in the pants that I need to jump start my business again. It just amazes me that when you start to feel better about yourself everything else looks better too. Not a profound statement I know. The self confidence that I am beginning to feel again is just taking be by surprise. I don't think I realized how down in the dumps I really was. I think that I really hit bottom over the summer, and things are looking up!

Three weeks

Today marks three weeks of eating healthy and exercising very consistently. I can't even begin to tell you how good I feel, and how proud I am of myself. It hasn't been all that difficult although I have had a couple of days where I feel chronically hungry.

Another thing that I haven't done for three weeks....binge! I have been so excited about that...I can't even tell you! I have been strictly counting my calories, and I make sure to have some available for a snack after Nate goes to bed while I watch a show. That's been working for me so far. I have had the urge a couple of times, but I keep telling myself that this is forever....and for my life. If I don't take care of myself now, who knows how long I will be around. That sounds morbid, but that is my why at the moment. It isn't to look good or to be able to buy cuter clothes. It really is so I make sure that that I do my best to grow old with Jim and watch Nate become a family man himself.

It has been a good three weeks, and I am so glad that I am on this journey again and hopefully I have started the journey for the very last time...but I hope to be on the journey forever.

A happy day :)

A couple of months ago when I had just started to feel better some of the time, I went for a bike ride. It was a ride that a year ago was my "easy ride". It took just over 30 minutes, and it is just a little out and back. I used it on days that I was going to weight lift or just didn't feel up to a full 60 minutes of cardio.

This particular ride a couple of months ago was pure torture! I had to put my bike in one of the lowest gears plus it took about 45 minutes. I was devastated. I came home pissed off, crying to myself, disgusted with myself, not giving myself one little break for being sick for so many months. I can be pretty mean to myself. Anyway, that was the last time I rode it for at least another 6 weeks just because I was so mad at how out of shape that I had become. Geez! Really?! I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I needed to start out slow, and that my fitness really would come back.

Fast forward to today. I rode just over 8 miles today with two giant hills that were done twice (it's an out and back route). I stayed in a pretty high gear for most of the ride. It was hard, but it was doable, and I felt amazing when I finished. My fitness level is close to where it was last February. I still have a lot of weight to lose, but I feel better knowing that I can work out hard again.

I would call this another non-scale victory! Woot!

Missing a great man today

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the death of my best friend from college. On one hand it seems like he has been gone a lot longer than fur years, but on the other....I just cannot believe that it's been four years since I spoke with him.

He has been on my mind a lot lately, and sometimes when the fact that he is gone takes me by surprise....it hurts just as much as it did four years ago. He was a great man.

Sigh.

In other news...fall break is over! I just dropped Nate off at school. I had big plans of exercise then some much needed quiet time, but sleep was not in the cards for me last night and I trying to decide if I should exercise or not. It might help me feel a little better for at least part of the day until I crash hard....or it just may be painful to do. I am thinking that I am going to follow my 20 minute rule.

If I feel icky still in 20 minutes, I can stop exercising. Yep..that's the plan. Tired or not. Life gets in the way or not. Exercise and eating right need to be my priorities!

Non-scale victory!

Yesterday was our last big hoorah of fall break. We have actually had a really great week, but today is pretty much back to reality. I am tired but my house needs cleaned very very badly :)

So late yesterday afternoon, we got in the car and drove to Flagstaff. I had a gift certificate for Black Bart's Steakhouse that I wanted to use, plus we thought taking Nate to the observatory would be lots of fun.

The dinner was fabulous and the music was awesome! Nate had a great time! I ordered a very healthy menu option of shrimp and vegetable kebabs. Should have taken a picture...it was that good :) I knew I wanted dessert last night so Jim ordered the blackberry cobbler and Nate the chocolate cake. I had 3 bites of cake, and 2 of the cobbler. I was perfectly satisfied with that. I just needed a couple of tastes.

After dinner we headed up to the observatory and saw telescope views of the moon and Jupiter. Very cool. I didn't realize that until we got home last night that I had a major non-scale victory. We had to stand in line to see Jupiter for about 40 minutes. 3 weeks ago, standing that long would have made my lower back hurt plus my knee would have been achy. It didn't even occur to me until I crawled into bed that neither of those things happened. YES! It is amazing to think that I have spent the last 7 months of inactivity in an almost constant state of some form of discomfort. And yesterday...it was not there!!!!

My body is so happy to be active again and eating "good" foods and it's rewarding me. It is sad that I almost missed the reward...but I am glad that I recognized it for what it was :)

Weigh in day

Fall break has kicked my ass! I miss my routine, but I have to say that Nate has had a great time so far. On Tuesday, a friend of mine took her nephews plus Nate fishing for 8 hours! They had a blast, ate nothing but junk food, got burnt to a crisp, and caught ZERO fish! Die hard fishermen these boys to be able to be out there all day without even a nibble.

Wednesday, we picked up a friend of Nate's and went to Peter Piper Pizza. Then we took them bowling. We came home after that, and I made spaghetti for dinner with ice cream for dessert. The friend slept over, and I made bacon and pancakes for them for breakfast yesterday morning before we took the friend home. 24 hours of nothing but food that 8 year old boys would eat!

But guess what? I ate pizza at Peter Piper...I just ordered my personal pizza they way that I wanted it. I chose not to eat nachos at the bowling alley. The spaghetti was my homemade sauce and whole wheat pasta, and instead of ice cream I ate an apple with peanut butter. The bacon was the hardest to turn down, but I did and today reaped the benefits of choosing wisely this week....

5.5 pounds lost in 2 weeks!!!!!

Yep...I lost another 2 pounds this week. I was telling Jim just yesterday though that I really hate being a slave to that damn scale. If I never got on the scale, and just went with how my body feels...yep...I would still feel successful these 2 weeks. My body is so much happier not eating the junk and exercising consistently...sigh...it feels so good to feel good. It has been a long, long time :)

mind body connection

I went to bed last night fresh with the incredible feelings of yesterday's bike ride. I had a choir concert in the afternoon that was fun but tiring, and food choices were not the best because of the timing of the concert. Yet, with all of that, I did go to bed with a firm plan of getting up this morning, walking, then lifting weights.

Yeah....so didn't happen. I got up around 6:30 and Nate hadn't been up for too long so we chatted a little. I messed around on face book *evil time waster* for about an hour...was then getting ready to get dressed and decide where I was going to walk when a friend called....sigh....good to chat but motivation was slowly leaving the building.

I got off the phone with her, went to get dressed, came out, and then started chatting with another friend regarding plans for the rest of the week for our kids during this lovely fall break....yep...even more time wasted. By this time it was after 9am!!!! I am sooooo not a during the day exerciser. If I don't do it pretty much first thing it usually doesn't happen. Through all of this time wasting, I have to say that I was very willing participant. I was tired. My feet hurt from wearing heels yesterday for the concert, and I really just didn't want to walk or lift weights.

Then I tried to get Nate involved. I thought that if he wanted to go on a bike ride at least I would get a little activity in if not a high intensity workout. No go. He was not at all interested. At this point, Jim woke up. Motivation is very low, and now the timing kind of stinks. Sigh. Jim seemed to understand my need for me to move my body so he suggested that we all ride bikes. No go. Nate just wasn't up for it today.

I was about to throw in the towel, when at the very last minute I got a burst of resolve. I told Jim that I was going to go for a 30 minute bike ride then I would take a quick shower before we headed out to do our errands.

Lesson to this really long story. I ended up riding for 40 minutes, went 7 miles, and felt amazing afterward...woot!!!! Two weeks ago I would have totally just blown off the day. That is what the last 10 days has done for me. That is what those endorphins were for yesterday. My body, while tired, still craved that drug of exercise on some deep level that my brain couldn't really connect to...I am so glad that I talked my brain into doing what my body wanted and needed :)

Endorphins, baby!

There is a feeling flowing through my body right now that I haven't felt in many many months. What is it? It's vibrating throughout...it's ENDORPHINS! I can actually pinpoint the last time I felt like this...March 5. That was my last spin class before I got sick. If you have never felt that high you get from intense exercise...I highly recommend it! It is better than any drug out there!

How did I get these endorphins today? Hmmm...I am not sure why today and not any other time this week...but I went for a 8.5 mile bike ride this morning and it all just, well, clicked. I have been done with the ride for over 90 minutes yet I have not come down at all from that high. I truly feel like I am vibrating inside almost like I have had about 5 cups of coffee too many. Very strange, very cool, and very missed.

Having these feelings is like adding fuel to my campfire *see previous post*. It is exactly what I need to make sure that I eat right the rest of today. Because if I do that, then tomorrow I can get up and workout again to get more of the endorphins. Good cycle there, huh?

Oh how I have missed feeling this good about something my body has done. It is just amazing, and makes the world around me seem brighter today. Okay okay...I know that I am pouring it on pretty thick. But the fact that I haven't had this feeling in about 7 months is just horribly sad to me. And they came back today...it's a good day :)

Inspiration

I haven't written in awhile...obviously. After that last post, well, let's just say that I was Miss Downer Debbie for a little while. But since I wrote that last post, my little boy has learned to ride his bike and LOVES it! I have NEVER seen such determination in that kid to master something. I was so proud, and cried many proud mama tears throughout one weekend.

But in watching how much determination he had, plus seeing how often he fell and got right back up...was in a word inspiring. At one point middle of the week after he learned how to ride I counted how many bruises I saw on his legs. 14. Yeah 14! Yet, he never gave up. And he never was afraid to get back on the bike.

It got me thinking. I haven't had anyone inspire me in a really long time. I know that ultimately you have to inspire yourself, but I feel like it's like starting a campfire. A campfire will feed upon itself, but initially you have to provide the spark. And then you need to feed it every so often so it doesn't burn itself out. That is what I have been for 2 years. A burned out campfire. I needed a spark and some fuel.

Nate was my spark. He has shown me exactly what I have within myself to accomplish a goal. He shows it to me, because he came from me. We have very similar personalities. I watched him dig in and master that damn bike, and if he can do that...well I can lose some weight and regain my inner athlete back. Now I just have to provide the fuel to fire so that I don't burn out again.

As of October 1, I am back in action. I am exercising consistently, and eating healthy foods. I haven't binged in a couple of weeks, and I have to say that my insides are thanking me for that! I have a lot of weight to lose again...sigh...hate saying that...but it's the truth. I want to lose 75 pounds, and then reevaluate at that point. I lost 3.5 pounds my first week. I am pretty proud of that...wish that it was more...but know that to be healthy and long term that was a really good first week.

Today is tough and so was yesterday...I am hungry. I don't want to fall off the wagon so soon, but am going to have to find some snacks to eat in between meals that are healthy and filling. My long term goal is 75 pounds, but short term is 10 at a time. I don't want to get hung up in the I have so much to lose that I'll never get there. If I do that, I will end up quitting and I really don't want to quit this time. I want to keep moving forward, and not look in the past at the mistakes I have made or how many times I have done this...it's over...I have only today and tomorrow. To steal a phrase from a friend.... one bite, one breath. I am doing this one bite at a time, and trying my damnedest to learn why I binge and how to redirect that energy into something less self destructive. I'll get there... one bite, one breath.