Too busy lately!

I love Christmas! I love Christmas music and the lights and the tree and the decorations...but gosh I don't like the to-do list that goes with it all! I have been so tired this week. I went to spin class on Wednesday and should have followed my own 20 minute rule. I did the whole class, but it was so hard and I felt even worse afterward.

My list of things to get done is gradually getting smaller but I am still feeling behind. I am planning on working out as best as I can over the next week, but I am also going to try and give myself some slack. I don't want to be hard on myself if I am not feeling a workout or if I cut one short.

I know that I would feel so much better if I was eating right, but alas with this time of year the food choices are also not great. Sigh...it will get better, right?

Nate is out of school for two weeks as of this afternoon. He is so excited, and I am too. I didn't think that I would be, but I am actually looking forward to not taking him to school, basketball, kung fu, etc. He is a busy kid, and I am the taxi. So the next couple of weeks are very welcome.

I have some big news that most of you already know, but I will write about it this weekend!

Some complaining :(

I love Nate. I need to start by saying that because mainly today...I want to duct tape him to his bed and throw away all of his toys. Gee...that sounds a bit harsh doesn't it?

Parenting is the hardest job that I have ever had. And..I have had some really hard jobs. I have milked cows (during the flooding in Tucson in 1992), I have waited tables and had a man throw a hamburger at me because it wasn't cooked to his liking...so see? Some tough things I have done, but I knew I always got to go home and get away from it. Now...it follows me where ever I go! At least he goes to school.

Now that I have that out of my system...I feel a bit better.

We are supposed to get 6-10 inches of snow tonight. If we do, we won't have school and I am not sure how I will get to work. But...I love snow!!!! So I am hoping for a blizzard :-)

Eating right has not been a priority lately. I wish that it was, but I can't seem to get past the fact that I use food to feel better in the moment. Then, of course, I feel terrible afterward. Vicious cycle! I am aware of what I am doing, and there are days that I don't all of the crap that I want to eat. Also...so far I have not had even one Christmas cookie. I will take the small victories where I get them :)

Enough complaining for today...

Distraction from feelings

I found myself unexpectedly home alone last night. Jim was work (normal), but my mom took Nate downtown to the courthouse lighting and to spend the night. Remember I said just a few days ago that I don't like to feel pain (hurt) so I keep myself distracted. Last night after being home alone for about 20 minutes...couldn't handle being alone with my thoughts so put a movie in and ate badly. Sigh....I had been doing pretty well too until last night.

I am trying really hard to not beat myself up about it since that just perpetuates the cycle, but it is difficult to do when I feel bloated and yucky this morning. Today is a new day, right? I will try harder to either feel the feelings that I have or find a better distraction! That is my goal today :)

We are getting our Christmas tree today I think. Nate and I decorated the house with the other "stuff", but the tree had to wait until Jim, Nate, and I could go pick it out together...can't wait! Love the fresh cut tree smell!!!

The only worry that I have is the new kitty in the house. She is CRAZY!!! I am pretty sure that she is going to be the only cat that we have ever had that will put our tree at risk. She is still very young, and the most interesting things entertain her. I am very afraid that an ornament at the top of the tree will catch her fancy. It should be fun!

Trying to keep my focus.

I have some terrific friends. I have some terrific acquaintances. I have some mediocre friends, and then I have some people that I just don't want to call friend anymore. If I have such great relationships with a few people, why do I choose to focus on the ones that have ended? I wish I knew that. I think that if I knew why I am focusing on the "bad" relationships then I could have some insight into why I am stuffing the feelings down with food.

There are a couple of people that have seriously hurt me in the last couple of months. And I mean hurt me enough that I don't have any desire to mend fences. So why am I focusing on them? If they hurt me so badly that I don't want to be around them, then why this fixation? My guess is that there is no closure. No one said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore." But..if that had been said would I be feeling any better right now? I doubt that too. I don't believe for one minute that I am innocent in the demise of the relationships, but I do wish that I had been told how they were feeling before anything unrepairable had been done. Sigh...

No one is perfect, and part of my imperfection is that I eat when I am emotionally hurt. I don't like to feel pain so I do things (mainly eat) to not have to feel that pain. I need to learn to feel the pain, let it all out, and then release it forever more....huh...that seems way too hard today :(

What has been taking up all of my time :)

Part of the reason that I didn't blog at all in November is because of the above little picture! November is National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo) and there is an organization that sponsors a contest every November. The criteria is to write at least a 50,000 word work of fiction...it can be more, but not less. Every person that completes the challenge is a winner!

I have always wanted to write a book but know enough about myself that some day would probably never come. I needed a challenge like this and I completed it! It was a lot of fun to do, but it took up pretty much my entire month.

I am so glad that I did it!!! I wrote 50,602 words (officially), and the book title (so far) is The Case of the Distant Husband. It is a rough draft, and I have a TON of editing to do, but someday it will be ready for someone besides myself to read :)

Another first time post.

Whew! This journey to bring me to this point has been in progress for a long while. While I like the thought that anybody can read my blog, I have several "friends" that really aren't welcome to read it anymore. That is why I tried the private blog thing for a bit, but I didn't really like that either.

I like the idea that if I inspire somebody in some way that they can share my words. That is what brings me to this point. A brand new place to share my thoughts, feelings, complaints regarding my own personal journey to losing...sigh...about 90 pounds. I hate that I have that much to lose again, but I have had an extremely stressful year with injuries, finances, and my marriage. I emotionally eat, and I recognize that behavior, but sometimes am powerless to stop it.

Welcome back my once loyal readers, and I hope that my wishy-washy-ness hasn't made you go away forever. I promise to be comfortable in these surroundings and bring back my honesty and humor..hee hee...that is if you found me humorous to begin with.