Trying to get out of the dark place

I went undercover this week after a depressing visit to the doctor. Sigh. My mood has improved somewhat since my appointment, but I went to a pretty dark place for a couple of days.

My lungs are not much better from the bronchitis, and now she thinks that spring allergies have attacked. I don't know. Normally my allergies are sneezing, itchy eyes, drippy nose and I don't have that much so far this year. *knock on wood* I have never in the past had breathing issues for allergies, but she said that because my system has been so compromised that the little buggers just went for the least path of resistance. Maybe. I am giving it a try. She put me on Singulair for allergies...in particular allergies that give you breathing issues. And...another 2 weeks of an inhaler. I have to say that five days later I am feeling a bit better, but that could just be the inhaler. Only time will tell.

The mono is still in full swing. Ugh! She says that because my body is trying to fight the lung issues and the mono, it is failing at both. Gee..thanks. That is a great thing for a type A personality to hear..that I am failing at something. Okay..just kidding..mostly. Anyway, she thinks that once the lung issues are under control the mono will ease up as well. I hope so...I am so sick of being sick.

The third and most heart breaking of all the news I got at the appointment is my blood pressure. It was scary high...like so high I don't want to write it down. On the positive side, she thinks that it is only high in response to how sick I am. On the negative side, I have a family history of high blood pressure so she is temporarily treating it with medication. So I am a regular pharmacy these days. I am also recording my blood pressure for two weeks and when I go back to the doctor for a follow up she will make some decisions.

I am not sure why this particular news has hit me so hard. I know that being overweight can contribute to high blood pressure, and maybe that is it. I know that I am fat. You all know that I am fat...but having a medical condition that could be directly related to being fat...that just depresses me. Really.

Now...my blood pressure in the past seven weeks of sickness has been all over the place...I have had three visits with it high and three visits with it normal or even on the low side. That should logically tell me that my doctor is right, and that this is just temporary. Logic isn't really come into play here.

My dad was diagnosed with high blood pressure in the 80's sometime. I remember him telling me, and also telling me that he wasn't going to take medication for it..he was just going to cut salt out of his diet. Apparently that worked for him for about 15 years....then he had a stroke. My grandmother on my mom's side started taking bp medication in her 40's. I am 42. I am scared. I am depressed that I have let my body down again. I don't know how to dig deep, and find a way to crawl up over this. What I should do and what I am doing are two very different things right now.

I should be getting a plan of attack together to overcome this diagnoses. I should be doing yoga everyday since I can't be doing any cardio yet. I should be throwing away all junk food in the house and replacing it with "good" stuff. What am I doing? Wallowing in self-pity at the moment. Eating things that I shouldn't be eating....not doing yoga...not even going out in the sunshine when it is available. Sounds awful, huh? It feels that way too.

I have to find some reserve of strength in me that I haven't tapped yet. It has to be there! And when I do find it...things will get better. I will get healthier. And I won't need blood pressure medication.