Random acts of kindness

I have such a hard time accepting help from people. I wish I could figure out why that is, but I am just not sure. I feel as if it may stem from not feeling worthy...but again I am just not sure. The thing is is that if I tell Jim that I need help with something...that doesn't bug me. If I ask him to take the trash out, or cover my plants because it is going to freeze..that is all okay. It is when I am doing nothing (as per usual lately) hanging out on the couch reading a book and I catch him out of the the corner of my eye starting to unload or load the dishwasher that I have the issues. Automatically I feel like I have done something wrong by laying on the couch. I feel judged. I feel lazy. So why is it if I ask for the help that I can accept it....but if it is just offered or even just done without my asking..that it is soooo hard to accept. I really don't know.

Nate now has to perform random acts of kindness for Kung Fu. It was defined for him as helping somebody out to make their life easier or better without expecting anything in return. Maybe that is what I can't deal with. Why would someone want to make my life easier? Why would they do something nice for me without me having to do something for them? Wow! This sounds like a therapy session in the making...ugh! What is wrong with me????

This all stems from my mom offering to meet me out at my apartments to help me clean one of them. I instantly felt guilty that I have not done it before now. It was ridiculously hard to tell her that I would love for her to help. Really? Why is that? I don't think that she thinks I am a slacker, lazy mom. In fact, I am pretty sure that at times she is proud and impressed with all that I manage to juggle when I am healthy. Why then was it so hard? I don't know. We cleaned it though..together..this morning. It didn't take very long. It wasn't that dirty, and I know that she was happy to help.

I love performing random acts of kindness. It makes me feel good to help someone. I guess I need to work on it being okay for someone to perform them on me.