8 weeks...blech!

On Wednesday I went and had some acupuncture done. I went to a woman that I used to go to quite a bit several years ago, and I took Nate to her a bunch of times for his food allergies. I love her! She is a mind/body/spirit kind of healer which I think tends to work well with me.

I gave her the scoop of all the stuff that has been going on for the last couple of months, and she did her thing. Her opinion is that my spleen and kidneys have just been stressed to the max hence the lack of energy, lung problems, etc. She thinks if she boosts them up then I will automatically feel better in these areas. She also has the opinion that my blood pressure issues are temporary. I sure hope so!! That is the most stressful part of all of this. I don't want to be on any one medication let alone a medication for the foreseeable future. Sigh...I also know that that should make me want to jump out of this chair and go exercise, but right now it doesn't. I had those 2 good days at the beginning of the week and the rest of this week I have felt pretty crappy :(

It is eight weeks today of this. My glands in my neck are so swollen that it makes everything hurt. I am also very tired today...I am planning on napping after this little update :)

I will go back to see the acupuncturist next week. I also am going to see a counselor for the depression issues. I just want to feel better....both inside and out.

Light at the end of the tunnel :)

Monday and Tuesday were days where I almost felt "normal". It was great!!! After I took Nate to school on Monday I decided to go for a walk and see how I did with breathing and energy level, etc. I walked 1.5 miles so no where near what I have been capable of in the past, but felt a pretty good sense of accomplishment for getting it done and my breathing was good..woohoo!

After the walk, I came home and did some crunches. I had oodles of energy and really felt like I needed to be "doing" something. It was the first time I have felt like that in 7 1/2 weeks so it was really hard not to succumb. I wanted to just go with it, and keep on chugging by cleaning my house or something. However, my good sense took over and I kept it to a minimum. Look at me go! I was showing restraint..hee hee.

Then yesterday I went out to the apartment and cleaned the carpet. Financially speaking I need to do as much of the maintenance work myself right now. I would normally hire the carpet cleaning done, but since I have not had much income from the them I just can't. My plan was to just clean the upstairs and then do the stairs and the downstairs today, but once I got on a roll it was hard to stop. The apartment is move in ready! It looks great, and now I just need the perfect tenant to rent it..LOL.

Then by last night I was pooped. I probably overdid it a little over the course of the last two days, but it was so exciting to have some energy that I am pretty proud of myself for showing the restraint that I did. I am still pretty wiped out today, but I don't have much on the agenda to worsen things so I am good.

I am actually going to see an acupuncturist today. I have seen her in the past for some things and Nate went to her for his food allergies. I like her a lot, and I am hoping the she can help with the breathing issues and maybe even the high blood pressure. I will keep you posted :)

I just know that I finally have some hope that I am going to get better. I knew logically it would happen but when you are sick for so long it is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the light, and it's good :)

Random acts of kindness

I have such a hard time accepting help from people. I wish I could figure out why that is, but I am just not sure. I feel as if it may stem from not feeling worthy...but again I am just not sure. The thing is is that if I tell Jim that I need help with something...that doesn't bug me. If I ask him to take the trash out, or cover my plants because it is going to freeze..that is all okay. It is when I am doing nothing (as per usual lately) hanging out on the couch reading a book and I catch him out of the the corner of my eye starting to unload or load the dishwasher that I have the issues. Automatically I feel like I have done something wrong by laying on the couch. I feel judged. I feel lazy. So why is it if I ask for the help that I can accept it....but if it is just offered or even just done without my asking..that it is soooo hard to accept. I really don't know.

Nate now has to perform random acts of kindness for Kung Fu. It was defined for him as helping somebody out to make their life easier or better without expecting anything in return. Maybe that is what I can't deal with. Why would someone want to make my life easier? Why would they do something nice for me without me having to do something for them? Wow! This sounds like a therapy session in the making...ugh! What is wrong with me????

This all stems from my mom offering to meet me out at my apartments to help me clean one of them. I instantly felt guilty that I have not done it before now. It was ridiculously hard to tell her that I would love for her to help. Really? Why is that? I don't think that she thinks I am a slacker, lazy mom. In fact, I am pretty sure that at times she is proud and impressed with all that I manage to juggle when I am healthy. Why then was it so hard? I don't know. We cleaned it though..together..this morning. It didn't take very long. It wasn't that dirty, and I know that she was happy to help.

I love performing random acts of kindness. It makes me feel good to help someone. I guess I need to work on it being okay for someone to perform them on me.

Trying to get out of the dark place

I went undercover this week after a depressing visit to the doctor. Sigh. My mood has improved somewhat since my appointment, but I went to a pretty dark place for a couple of days.

My lungs are not much better from the bronchitis, and now she thinks that spring allergies have attacked. I don't know. Normally my allergies are sneezing, itchy eyes, drippy nose and I don't have that much so far this year. *knock on wood* I have never in the past had breathing issues for allergies, but she said that because my system has been so compromised that the little buggers just went for the least path of resistance. Maybe. I am giving it a try. She put me on Singulair for allergies...in particular allergies that give you breathing issues. And...another 2 weeks of an inhaler. I have to say that five days later I am feeling a bit better, but that could just be the inhaler. Only time will tell.

The mono is still in full swing. Ugh! She says that because my body is trying to fight the lung issues and the mono, it is failing at both. Gee..thanks. That is a great thing for a type A personality to hear..that I am failing at something. Okay..just kidding..mostly. Anyway, she thinks that once the lung issues are under control the mono will ease up as well. I hope so...I am so sick of being sick.

The third and most heart breaking of all the news I got at the appointment is my blood pressure. It was scary high...like so high I don't want to write it down. On the positive side, she thinks that it is only high in response to how sick I am. On the negative side, I have a family history of high blood pressure so she is temporarily treating it with medication. So I am a regular pharmacy these days. I am also recording my blood pressure for two weeks and when I go back to the doctor for a follow up she will make some decisions.

I am not sure why this particular news has hit me so hard. I know that being overweight can contribute to high blood pressure, and maybe that is it. I know that I am fat. You all know that I am fat...but having a medical condition that could be directly related to being fat...that just depresses me. Really.

Now...my blood pressure in the past seven weeks of sickness has been all over the place...I have had three visits with it high and three visits with it normal or even on the low side. That should logically tell me that my doctor is right, and that this is just temporary. Logic isn't really come into play here.

My dad was diagnosed with high blood pressure in the 80's sometime. I remember him telling me, and also telling me that he wasn't going to take medication for it..he was just going to cut salt out of his diet. Apparently that worked for him for about 15 years....then he had a stroke. My grandmother on my mom's side started taking bp medication in her 40's. I am 42. I am scared. I am depressed that I have let my body down again. I don't know how to dig deep, and find a way to crawl up over this. What I should do and what I am doing are two very different things right now.

I should be getting a plan of attack together to overcome this diagnoses. I should be doing yoga everyday since I can't be doing any cardio yet. I should be throwing away all junk food in the house and replacing it with "good" stuff. What am I doing? Wallowing in self-pity at the moment. Eating things that I shouldn't be eating....not doing yoga...not even going out in the sunshine when it is available. Sounds awful, huh? It feels that way too.

I have to find some reserve of strength in me that I haven't tapped yet. It has to be there! And when I do find it...things will get better. I will get healthier. And I won't need blood pressure medication.

Spring has Sprung!

Spring a definitely sprung here in Prescott Valley! It is warm, sunny and beautiful!!! I felt like winter would never end, so it is especially nice to have it be so nice :) Now...if I could just be enjoying the outdoors like I normally would be...sigh.

Last year at this time I was riding my bike A LOT! It is such awesome exercise and the endorphin high that I get is similar to running so that makes it even better. I want to be out there so badly! By the time I am healthy it is going to be close to too hot, but I am pretty sure that this year I am not going to care!!! I just want to be out riding :)

I did do some yard stuff today though. I made Jim and Nate do the heavy work, but I planted strawberries in a half barrel in the the front yard and some herbs and flowers in containers on the back porch. I also got the raised bed ready for tomatoes. More specifically, Nate and Jim got it ready for me. Very nice of them! And Nate picked up after the dogs too! I spent some time in the sun and then read in the shade for awhile...it was just nice to be out in the fresh air.

Of course, I have completely overdid things today. My temp is high, and I am completely fatigued but it was worth it to be out in the sun for awhile :)

Rook

Today is the birthday of an old friend. I wished her a happy one on facebook last night and her reply has made me nostalgic and a bit sad today. You see, she was once married to my good friend Warren. Warren was killed in a plane crash about 3 1/2 years ago. This friend was Warren's first wife. They were married when I met Warren. We lived in the same apartment complex and we spent many weekend nights pulling "all-nighters". Not in any sense that you would think...yes, we were in college at the time so you would naturally think that we were either drinking or studying all night. Nope...we played games.

We played a number of different games, but our go-to game was Rook. Just typing the word fills me with TONS of memories. The four of us had very specific roles when we played, and we had a blast. Warren was the ultra-competitive but slightly nerdy one, I was also very competitive and gave Warren a run for his money, Jim was the comic relief, and Jenny was just there for the company. She didn't care if she won or lost...it was fun either way to her. Warren would have pen and paper at his finger tips throughout the entire game compiling statistics of our wins and losses. At the end of the evening he would graph our evening out on paper and viola we would have evidence of another night well spent in Tucson, AZ. Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

These games were a mandatory way to spend our weekends in college. When Warren and Jenny moved to Prescott and ultimately split up our games became fewer and farther between. However, those nights will forever be embedded in my mind. That is where we got to know each other as well as we did and bonded us forever.

Six weeks!

Today marks six weeks of being sick. I feel like a drama queen, but it is beginning to feel like this isn't going to end. I have seen no improvement at all in at least four weeks, and I really don't like it! Waa waaa waaaaa!

I would like to say that okay I got it out of my system so now I can be more positive! but I can't. I am not feeling positive today. I am depressed and pissed off that I am still sick!

On a different topic, Jim's car has been at the body shop since Monday. He hit a deer on his way home from work one really early morning. They said they would have the car for four days, and today is the 5th..sigh...hopefully it is done this afternoon. I don't like being a one car family...although it did show me that we could do it if we absolutely had to for financial reasons. That was a positive thing to come out of this :)

I wish that I had kept track of the books I have been reading since I got sick. I believe that it is in the neighborhood of 15 or so. Crazy...but is nice to read without guilt..LOL.

Square one

Today has been a rough day. I have had two decent days in a row...mood wise, and then I woke up this morning. I woke up just mad at the world!!! Nate woke me up out of a deep deep sleep by hollering across the house for me. When ignoring him didn't work, I went and reprimanded him and went back to my bedroom. However, at that point the dogs and cats were thinking it was time to get up because mommy was up...sigh...so I was up.

And it wasn't even that is was that early...it wasn't. It is just that I am so tired all of the time that when I am in a deep sleep I just don't want to be bothered!

All of that just set the stage for not being very happy today :( I did do about 35 minutes of yoga. It was very difficult. I have lost a lot of stamina and strength in the last 5 1/2 weeks. I had recorded the yoga off of the television and it is actually an hour show, but I could only do about 35 minutes before my muscles were quivering and I was out of breath. Sigh...apparently I am at square one.

The tough part of mono is the fatigue, but my mind plays games. I have got myself doubting the sickness. I figure that I am just tired because I have been so lazy for almost 6 weeks now. How is that for HORRIBLE head games?! I would NEVER in a million years think that about a friend so why do I think it about myself????

Anyway, it was just a really tough day, and I am looking forward to a brand new day tomorrow. Jim works a day shift, and since one of the cars is at the body shop I am driving him to work and then Nate and I will pick him up after work. I will have from 9am to 3pm to myself. Last week that was not a good thing...I am hoping tomorrow will be better.

Boring morning

I did pretty well with my goal yesterday. I only ate when I was hungry...no horrible excesses of junk food..woohoo! I also actually felt a tiny bit better yesterday. I am cautiously optimistic. I have a feeling that it is because the weekends wipe me out completely with Nate home and so when he went back to school yesterday I really could relax and take it easy. I am not sure though. I should be turning the corner any day, so maybe it was yesterday :)

I have the same goal today...only eat when I am hungry. Plus I am going to try and clean my house a little. Holy cow! It really needs dusted!!! I can see dust on things when I am sitting and watching tv...and it drives me crazy! I really haven't been able to clean other than just immediate necessary areas for almost 6 weeks...ewww!

This was quite the boring post, but nothing exciting as of yet to report today. I am hoping that later I will still feel a bit better and that maybe my fever won't spike over 100 today :) *fingers crossed*

Goal just for today!

Weekends have been hard since I got sick. Nate is not the most self sufficient kid on the planet...my fault I know....and he wants constant attention from his mama. My mom actually called yesterday morning to invite Nate to go to breakfast with her and papa, but because I was not going to go Nate said no. Sigh. I think that in my head I thought having mono would actually make him more self sufficient. I think it is backfiring. I am always home right now. I don't go to work. I don't go to the gym. He is getting more and more used to seeing me ALL the time. Ick.

While I am not proud of myself for doing this, I find myself saying more and more, "could you just go watch some tv or play a video game!" How is that for good parenting???? Of course, then I feel guilty, but even playing a board game with Nate can wipe me out. Over this past weekend I played countless hands of UNO and several games of Sorry. A headache woke me up way too early this morning, and now I am EXHAUSTED!!!

The guilt and frustration over this mono business is getting to my good nature. Do you have the problem that when you are very tired you crave simple carbs??? I do. I think that subconsciously I want it to boost my energy, which may work in the short term if you just got less sleep the night before. However, with mono you are tired ALL the time. I am constantly thinking that if I eat something I will perk up. That is really the wrong way to go here!!!!

Therefore, my goal just for today is to say no to food unless I am REALLY hungry!!! It will be hard I know...probably harder than I can imagine at 7:15am, but that is my goal.

Goals

I have had a lot of time to reflect on my health and my goals these past several weeks. Obviously, I can't do much else but reflect. I wish that I could act on them a little more, but until I am well that just isn't possible. Here is what I want from life and my body:

1. I want to be as physically fit as my body can be. That doesn't mean super skinny..it just means fit!

2. I want to complete my certified personal trainer program. This is as much for the knowledge as it is for the potential income. I have completed the first of six sections and now must get on it!

3. I want to hike Havasupai Falls. I know that to many of you that know me the fact that I want to hike anything at all again is astounding, but I have seen pictures of this place and would like to see if for myself!

4. I want to eat clean. I am still learning what this means, but my family can benefit from this as well. We have started getting rid of the processed foods in the house and not replacing them. It is better for all of us!

5. I want to want to strength train on my own. I used to be a solitary exerciser, but becoming a spin addict has changed that some. I feel that I need that added support of having a partner, and I don't want to rely on that.

6. I want to be proud of myself. This is the biggee. Right now (or to be more honest) right before I got sick...I wasn't and I am not now. I have been just getting by with exercise and not eating right for a really long time and it is time. I don't want to fail at the health game anymore.

I don't necessarily want to be so strict that I don't enjoy food, but I definitely need to eat healthier and less junk food. I like how strong I was a year ago. I don't like how hard it was to hike the Grand Canyon this past February. I am ready to make a change. Have a work out schedule, and stick to it!

That is it for now...I may expound on this list from time to time, but today...right now...this is what I want! And I am going to make a plan for success!

Some observations

It is late afternoon on Saturday now, and I have some insight finally...maybe???? I did pretty good with the the fever for most of the day. It was really low grade...around 99.2 for a lot of the day. Here is the thing though...I really didn't do very much today. I noticed that when I was up and doing something the fever would spike to around 100 or a little more...but if I then when and hung out on the couch...it went back down. Hmmm....

So what did I do today???? I cleaned the fish tank...boring but necessary. Nate and I played Sorry and Uno....mostly fun...but he beat me :) I rested. Then Nate and I made banana bread...yummmm! At this point I wasn't feeling very well so to the couch I headed and read for awhile. At lunchtime, Jim took us to McDonald's...see totally eating crap!!!! Then went to Sam's club to pick up a few things...mainly strawberries (Nate and I are addicted!) I may go and buy a bunch more (they are so cheap right now) and make jam...haven't decided for sure yet. Then I read some more. At about 3:30 I had to muster the strength to make dinner. Jim leaves for work at 4:45 and we like to have a family dinner as often as possible.

Now dinner is finished, the kitchen is cleaned up, and the strawberries are cleaned and sliced...and I am EXHAUSTED!!!!! My temp is 100.6, and I feel like I could fall asleep while typing! My insight is this...if I could truly rest...do absolutely nothing..I would probably heal much faster. However, as a mom it is just not feasible. Nate is 7 and somewhat self sufficient, but realistically he wants my attention....and just playing games with him wears me out. What is the lesson here? Well, I am thinking that I am going to feel crappy off and on throughout the day as long as I actually have to do stuff...lol.

None of this helps my mood however. In fact, it makes it even a bit darker :(

A new day???

It is Saturday morning, and it looks beautiful outside. I haven't been out yet except to let the dogs in and out. I would like to have enough energy to at least kill some weeds that are growing like crazy in the backyard, but not sure if I will or not.

I am thinking that if I get outside for at least 30 minutes or so each day it could improve my mood....but...again I need the motivation to do it. I think it is going to have to be like exercise...even if I don't want to I have to force myself to go outside. The problem is that I see all of the things that need to be done now that spring has sprung. That makes being outside depressing. I want to have the energy to tackle all of the things that need to be done! Maybe in those 30 minutes I can tackle one little project..hmmm..

The weekends are by far the hardest part of this...Nate is home and bored. This is where being an only kinda stinks for him. He looks to Jim and I for his entertainment and when we can't provide it...well...let's just say no one is happy. Maybe with the outside thing...he will come help me. I would like the company and it will give us something to do.

The goal for today...get outside in the sunshine for 30 minutes! If anything else exciting happens, well then that will just be a bonus :)

DEPRESSED!!!!!!

Well...not that anyone is reading this anymore...but mainly I just need to write this for me anyway. I have been sick since March 5. It started on a Friday morning with a tickle in my throat, but I felt fine...I went to spin. After spin, I came home and got Nate ready for school, went to Walmart for groceries, stopped at a couple of other places that I can't remember right now. Got home, showered, and went to get Nate (he has early release on Fridays) and decided to go to Costco for lunch and supplies.

We were driving home about 1pm, and all of a sudden I just wasn't feeling very well. I got really tired and achy. We got home, and I put the stuff away. I felt that I needed to lie down for a bit. About an hour later Nate asked me a question, and when I opened my mouth to answer nothing came out except a croak!!! I had completely lost my voice, and I really felt awful by that point. I took my temperature and it was over 101!!!

The next morning I went to urgent care because my temp had gone over 102 during the night, and I just felt awful. I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and prescribed a z-pack of antibiotics. I was sick the rest of the weekend and my temp kept climbing really high at night. On Monday I called my doctor and they asked me to come in and be seen by them. I did, and they said that I had bronchitis along with the sinus infection...so more antibiotics, steroids, and cough medicine...I thought I would be on the mend.

The next week I had gone through the prescriptions, but was still running a low grade fever so went back to the doctor. I was told that the bronchitis was still going strong..so more steroids. Two weeks later still coughing...still fever...went and saw a different doctor at the clinic and she had them take blood...plus gave me an inhaler to use to hopefully get my lungs back in shape.

The blood test results were called to me the next day...MONO! WHAT?!!!! Mono is for younger people..high school and college age...what the heck?! How did I get it!?

So...there ya have it. I have had the diagnosis for about 2 weeks now...I am still running a fever and have swollen glands...and I have NEVER been so tired in my whole life! I was told 8-10 weeks of this..sigh..that is a long time for a girl that is used to being active 90% of the time. I have exercised 2x in the last 5 weeks...once was a 35 min walk on the treadmill and the other was a 1 mile walk outside...very pathetic.

I am sad, frustrated, exhausted, and all I really want to do is cry and eat at this point. But neither one of those things is going to help me, but I can't seem to change my mind about them either. I HAVE to start journaling again to get my head wrapped around all of this. Because right now I just feel pathetic.