Do I deserve it?

I have done this weight loss/exercise thing for more years than I care to count.  I always seem to get to a weight on the scale that seems to trigger something in me to fail.  Why?

Here is my opinion:

1.  In my mind I am the fat friend/mom/wife/daughter etc.  If my "role" changes will my relationships change?  In simplistic terms...yes they will.  When I "got skinny" 15 years ago, a lot of my relationships changed.  I had many people tell me over and over again that I was losing too much weight before I even hit my personal goal weight.  (and to be honest my personal goal weight was still 15 pounds over what Weight Watchers thought I should weigh).  People looked at me.  I hated that!!!!  I like being the center of attention for my humor or knowledge but having people that I don't know "checking me out" was too creepy for me to handle.  I am a comfort zone kinda gal, and when my comfort zone went away I panicked instead of getting used to the new place.

2.  I always fail at keeping weight off.  Therefore if I get to that number on the scale, it triggers that mindset that I can't lose any more and I should just quit trying.  Ugh!  This one bugs me the most :(

3.  I love exercising, but I love eating too.  The saying that you get fit in the gym, but lose weight in the kitchen is SO true!!  I am an all or nothing girl.  I don't know how to eat just one serving of potato chips or cookies or anything else that should be eaten in moderation.  I have to cut out all of the junk completely in order to be successful, and when I do that I get frustrated and binge.  I wish I could be that person that can eat 1 cookie and feel satisfied but I am not :(

4.  I don't deserve it.  Here is the hard one.  Do I really feel that way?  I think so, but I cannot figure out why I feel this way.  Maybe it's all of the other reasons rolled into one big "you don't deserve this success so don't even try".    I don't know, but sometimes I get the feeling that if I could figure this out then the weight would just melt off.  I think that it would still take work, but if my mind wasn't my biggest obstacle then it would be so much easier. 

Why are we are own biggest obstacles?  I would never ever ever say things to a friend that I say to myself.  Why do I say it to myself then?  I am not sure, but it sure is degrading. 

Just some ramblings today as I get closer to embarking on a new chapter.  With school looming in the very near future, I sure would like to be more disciplined with my food and exercise plan.  I think it would go far in keeping my energy up to tackle a full time job plus grad school...now if I could just convince my mind.....