Some journeys are harder than others

Journey to a better me...that is what I named this blog. When I first decided on the name, I figured it was all about being better health-wise. That if I had better nutrition and better fitness then it would equal a better me.

Hmmm...

I didn't really think at the time that I would have to journey to a better me in any other area, but what I have found out is that in order to be a healthier version of me I need to work on all of the emotional stuff that turned me to food in the first place. What I have found out is that I am not sure I like myself all that much.

I am not sure how people describe me. I would imagine that the people that don't know my inner thoughts and feelings would describe me as happy, encouraging, motivating, funny, and maybe some other positive words.

The people that really know me. The people that I am closest to...they probably describe me a whole lot differently. Moody, cranky, needy, and sullen are just a few words that they probably use. I know that we all have a different persona at different times depending on lots of different factors. But...is it possible to change? I don't know. In the last few years, I have lost several people in my life that I considered friends and two of them I had considered really good friends. Two accused me being too needy, and just not able to deal with my friendship anymore. One just completely deleted herself from my life without any explanation. And the last there was cause, with the feelings pretty mutual.

I think that we all need people in our life that love us warts and all. But what if you want to stop showing your warts? What if I want to change who I am and how I am seen? Is it possible? Is it even smart? If I change who I am does that change all of my relationships?

Am I really a selfish person? Do I think of myself before all others? But if I don't look out for myself, who will? Today I was told that I am basically mean. This person means a lot to me so to hear that is very difficult. We are very close, but tend to push each others buttons very easily. But today, she has me questioning the very core of my being. I don't like how I feel when I fight with someone. I don't like that I can't tell someone how I really feel until it has festered and about ready to explode. I don't like that I am judgmental. I wish there was an easy fix to all of this, but I suspect that like weight loss it is a long hard journey of change. So the question is....am I willing to put in the work? Do I want real, honest relationships with people? Or do I want everyone to think that I am happy, encouraging, and motivating no matter what is really going on on the inside? If I always appear happy and encouraging will that make it true or does it just make the "real" Kelly disappear even more....