NO, you cannot go home first!

No exercise at all this week. The pneumonia (or whatever it is I have) has really kept me down. I wrote that I was back on antibiotics last week, and my doctor told me she wanted to know how I was doing but fully expected a I am doing sooo much better report. She didn't get that.

On Friday, I woke up realizing that I had done about 7 days of my 10 for the antibiotic and I felt no better...in fact...maybe even worse. I called the doctor, and they decided that I should be seen again! So...my appointment was for 2:30 and I had to take Nate with me because Jim was sleeping.

The appt. went like this:

Me: I don't seem to be getting any better

Her: You actually look worse to me and there is a different sound in your lungs. I am going to go talk with the other doctor here, and I will be right back.

Me: Spends the next 15 minutes trying to entertain Nate, because at this point he is bored to death...lol

Her: Well....I actually was talking with a pulmonologist and you have an appt on Tues at noon, he wants you off the antibiotics and inhaler, but back on the steroids. And you need to go for a chest CT...NOW.

Me: Ummm....okay. I need to go home and wake my husband up and then I can go.

Her: No...you need to go right now. You can't go anywhere but the hospital!

At this point, I got scared. Thankfully my friend works there and realized that I could not take Nate with me anyway since he is too young to be in a hospital waiting room by himself. So...I got to go home, drop Nate off, wake Jim up and quickly tell him what was happening, call my mom to come and get Nate in case I wasn't finished by the time Jim had to leave for work, and then rush over to the hospital.

I won't find out any results until Tuesday, but I have to say that I am feeling worse with the breathing...I am back to having daily fevers....and I am scared that this is something serious.

I got me some pneumonia!

I forgot to write about my test results. They came back. I have an atypical mycoplasma pneumonia. Sounds important, huh? All I really know about it is that it is bacterial, and I should feel all better in 3-4 weeks. Great. Another month.

Jim misses his wife. Nate misses his mom. And me...well I miss just about everything. I am on antibiotics again. I am on so much different medication that I forget what to take when...I need one of those little pill organizers that old folks need...lol.

Ah well...just wanted to keep you informed.

Baby birds!

This basket is hanging in my pergola outside of our back door. I am standing on a ladder to take this picture. There are actually two babies in here but one is squashing the other in the particular picture. A few weeks ago a mama dove took over this basket as a good home to have her babies. We saw the dad for a few days, and then he disappeared. Knowing that doves mate for life leads me to believe that he came to the end of his life before he could see these particular babies born. Sad.

I was going to try to get all philosophical about the circle of life, and new beginnings but frankly...I got nothin'. It has been fun for our family to watch this family grow. The babies are very cute, and hungry! Mama is having to leave often now to be able to provide enough food for her babies. That is really the only reason I was able to get this picture.

As soon as we are at the backdoor, she squats down over her babies to protect them from us. So in order to see them without her fear, we watch with binoculars from our kitchen. Our dogs have no idea that there is a nest so close to our house. If JoJo (our lab) knew....holy cow! It would be chaos on a regular basis. There is a nest in one of the trees in the backyard, and JoJo sits at the base of the tree and barks incessantly so I can only imagine what she would do if she knew there was one so close.

Anyway...this is what we do with our spare time these days...it has been fun!

Angry today

I am angry today. I can't even begin to put words to the amount of anger, frustration, and sadness I have over being sick for so long. I had all of these grand plans for things to get done this week, and none of them have happened. GRRR!

I was back at the doctor on Tuesday after telling the nurse on Monday that I was feeling better. Ha! Anyway, saw Dr. Moyer on Tuesday, and after taking half of my blood (okay just kidding only 5 vials) they are testing me for a bunch of atypical diseases now. Valley Fever is one of them, and then a bunch I can't pronounce. I won't know results for a week or more since the blood was sent to North Carolina for testing. I want an answer. I don't even care what it is at this point. Just figure out what it is, and get me on the right medication. If all of these come back negative, they are sending me to a specialist.

I missed the entire spring. I missed a lot of "Kelly" time while Nate was at school. I missed a lot of activities of Nate's. I have missed 36+ spin classes. I have missed being an employee.

Sigh...I am angry today.

What if....

What if...two very powerful words when put together. I have made it a goal to never have regrets...knowing that I would not be the person that I am today without the choices that have been made along the way. However, my mom and I saw the movie Letters to Juliet over the weekend and What if was a common theme throughout. It got me thinking...

Some of the bigger choices/decisions in my life were to go to college here in Arizona rather than go back to Illinois. If I had gone to Illinois, I would not be married to Jim and I would not have Nate.

I was planning on going into the Peace Corps after college graduation, but my application was denied for not having a foreign language that was practical (mine was sign language). If I had gone, no Jim...no Nate.

Moving to Prescott from Tucson was not a good career move for me, but we wouldn't have Nate. I would never have decided to have a child in Tucson (too scary and big).

These are just a couple of things that I can think of off the top of my head, and there are millions more in my 42 years of life that have brought me to this exact point. I am trying to learn to like myself again. I am trying to get my head on straight with regards to my health and fitness. I am trying to be the best that I can be right now.

I feel a bit like I am at a crossroads. There are decisions and choices to be made. There is a bit of fear involved since some of them could impact the rest of my life. I would love to have a career that I love. I haven't had the desire to have a job in a really long time, but I am ready. I just want to make the right choices. I want to wake up in the morning excited to get on with my day...not just trudge through it. Gosh this all sounds a bit like a mid-life crisis...hmmm....is it?

Dreaming

I go back to the doctor this morning. She is going to perform another lung function test, and check the mono status, and talk about my blood pressure. I am nervous (which really does nothing positive for the blood pressure). The meds that she put me on three weeks ago haven't made my blood pressure come down at all at least based upon my bp machine. I am guessing that I will have to go on something stronger for awhile.

I have two voices in my head about this, and it is hard to listen to the logical one sometimes. The "bad" voice says screw it! Eat what you want! You can't beat this high blood pressure thing anyway without medication so you might as well enjoy what you eat! Not a good way to look at things, I know.

The other voice is the more rational voice. This is going to take awhile and require a lot of hard work, but eating right and getting back into consistent exercise will bring your blood pressure down naturally. You NEED to lose a lot of weight! At least 60 pounds, but you have done it before and you can do it again! That is the voice that needs to drive me here.

It is really hard to think about the hard work involved when I am still sick with mono, and fighting for a "regular" energy level everyday. I am easily frustrated by the whole process which then makes it easier to listen the "bad" voice.

I used to be described as determined, focused, strong. I can't describe myself that way anymore, and I know a lot of the negativity comes from being sick. I want to wake up one morning feeling absolutely normal! Ready to tackle the world and eat right and kick my own ass at the gym!!!! Sigh...a girl can dream right?

13 more days of school

13 more days of school. It is a mixed bag really. On one hand, the boredom and taxi service are huge issues. On the other hand, I am ready to let go of the morning routine for a bit. We have two (hopefully) main trips planned, and then an excursion or two to Tucson to see the in-laws.

Our first trip is for my mom, Nate, and me. We are going to southern Illinois for our family reunion. We will be gone for four days, and Nate is in countdown mode already. He hasn't been on a plane for 3 years so he is super excited about that! The only bummer about the trip is that it is in the southern part of the state, and it is a long ride up to where my hometown is...in fact too long. I would love to see my dad's side of the family, and some of my high school friends that I have reconnected with on facebook, but it just is a logistical nightmare. Sigh...hopefully soon we can make that trip.

The second trip is the hopeful one! Nate wants to go to Legoland for his birthday. We will make that trip if I can get the apartments rented. If I can't get them rented, we can't afford to go on the trip. So...all of our fingers and toes are crossed that I can get a couple of tenants! I am showing it today, and I had a call from a girl moving here from New York last week that sounded promising. If both of these pan out...I will be doing the happy dance!

We had a really nice Mother's day yesterday! It didn't end up like we planned, but it sure was an adventure. I have some pictures so I think that I will do another post with pics later.

My little helper

Well...we have done pretty well with our week one goals. As a family we decided that we would not purchase any food from anyplace but a grocery store for seven days. Today is day six, and we are doing well. The only "cheat" was yesterday, but we were in Phoenix for the day so it was pretty near impossible to eat at home. We did pick Sweet Tomatoes to eat at though...so I am putting it in the win column. :)

Jim also had a goal of drinking at least one tall glass of water per day. The boy drinks no water to speak of...and he really needs this goal. I think that he has also done well. Next week I told him to make it two glasses. Hmmm...we'll see.

Today we have done some more of the spring cleaning stuff. I am so proud of Nate. He has really jumped on the band wagon of helping me lately. He dusted for me today and then Jim taught him how to vacuum. He did a great job vacuuming our family room and his bedroom. Jim taught him to move the smaller things to vacuum under rather than just going around..soooo woohoo!

He is also very interested lately in helping me cook. This morning he made scrambled eggs and English muffins for breakfast (with my supervision) and he made himself mac n cheese for lunch. Awesome kid! I am so proud :)

Eat Clean???

So Jim and I have been talking about changing some things about our eating. With his diabetes, it is important that he is taking care of himself although I suspect that his motivation is more about vanity than health. Whichever motivation is getting him to be more health conscious doesn't really matter to me, I am just happy that he will be my partner in this.

So the picture here is something that we are contemplating trying. I have been reading about Tosca Reno for awhile now in Oxygen Magazine. She seems pretty down to earth, and her food choices just make sense. I have a sneaking suspicion that I have been sick as long as I have because of poor nutrition. I haven't eaten really healthy in a long time. I am ready to detox my system and just feel better.

What I am most excited about is how on board Nate is...he is super excited to eat a lot more healthy. He has decided to give up sugary cereals and chips. How cool is that?! We are not going cold turkey. That doesn't work for Jim. What we are planning on is incorporating one of her tips/rules per week. This week: no restaurant food! This will help our finances as well as our bodies!

Anyway this is something that I am really excited about especially since it is a family affair. This isn't just me on a diet. This is making my whole family healthy and poised to live strong, healthy lives!

Home alone

Jim is in Phoenix today seeing his doctor, and Nate is at school. I am home alone. The last time I was home alone was a very dark day for me. It was hard to not have any energy and just be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can be very depressing. Today though is a little different. I don't feel great, but I don't feel horrible either. I didn't think that I felt good enough to walk, but decided that my kitchen needs a good deep cleaning. So far I have cleaned two of the four counter tops, the stove top, and the microwave. It is looking pretty good. My counters haven't been this cleaned off in a couple of months, and it makes me feel like I am spring cleaning.

I love to spring clean. I love the idea of a fresh start. I always think of my birthday as a clean slate, but really everyday we get a do over. I sometimes have a hard time thinking in terms of that. I can wake up beating myself up for something that I did yesterday but really, what good does it do? Nada. I can't change what has already happened. All I can do is try to make better choices today. Hmmm...I like that.

I have a do over today. Even if I get nothing else finished today, I have cleaned more than was cleaned yesterday. And...it looks good. A little bit at a time as my energy level permits and my house should be clean by July..LOL.

I have lots going on this week. I have a haircut and color today. Tomorrow is counseling, and Wednesday is more acupuncture. I am hopefully on the the downhill of mono...my fatigue isn't as acute anymore. I would love to get my life a bit under control...it feels as if it has spiraled out of my control over the last two months, but slowly I am getting my to-do list done and things will look brighter.

So that is that...today is a bit brighter than yesterday. A do over is always good :)