Resolutions?

The year is coming to a close....do you make New Year's resolutions? I try hard not to make typical January 1 resolutions because I heard once that 80% of all resolutions are forgotten by the middle of February. If I am trying to make a change in my life, I don't want to be a statistic.

With that being said though, when all the Christmas decorations get put away and the house seems empty and clean, it seems like the "right" time to do some reorganizing of life. I received a great book for my kitchen this year. I love to cook, and I love to have all of the latest kitchen gadgets. This book actually goes through and tells you how to weed out some of the unnecessary stuff in your kitchen. I am implementing that system :)

The break from school for Nate is also another good time for me to make plans for when he does go back to school. I need to finish my certification for personal trainer. I have a goal of six weeks! I think that it's doable :)

As for all of the other typical resolutions, I think I will wait. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and that is when I do most of my life evaluations. I think about the past year, and the things that I want to accomplish in the coming year. I will be 43 this birthday. That sounds old...almost middle aged. I don't feel old though, and having an 8 year old keeps me from acting old!

So in the next couple of weeks I will be laying out some goals for my 43rd year....stay tuned :)

Tired of noise

Have I mentioned that I am an introvert? Well, I am. I get my energy from having some good quality alone time. I love hanging out with friends, and doing stuff with my family...but when I feel depleted I just want to crawl in the closet until I feel better.

Today is one of those days. I am exhausted from Christmas. I am fighting a cold (I think). And I really want Nate to go back to school. Then, of course, I feel guilty for thinking that but it's been 10 days of being home and I am in serious need of a mom break.

Enough of that negativity....

Eating has been good. We had a lovely dinner on Christmas Eve of prime rib with baked potatoes and asparagus. Then...red cake for dessert! Yum! I enjoyed a piece of cake three days in a row...but then I went right back to eating the way that I have been for the last three months. It will be interesting to see how the scale reacts this week. I did a lot of good, hard exercise to counteract the cake, but you never know how all that sugar and fat are going to react within your body. I will keep you posted :)

My workouts have been awesome! I burned 4200 calories last week just in exercise!!! That kicks some serious butt! There is a huge cold weather system getting ready to hit here though...so the workouts will be indoors for the next 5 days or so. I will have to work harder and getting a good calorie burn, but I have a confidence in myself that I will get it done!

Okay...off to have a few minutes to myself before Nate realizes that I am not around and wants some attention :)

Goal Hit!

I had an original goal of 20 pounds by Thanksgiving. I did that. Then I was trying to decide on the next goal, and just decided to stick with the same theme. I wanted to lose 30 pounds by Christmas. Christmas Eve marks 12 weeks into this journey. I figured 30 pounds in 12 weeks would be a challenge but if accomplished it would kick some major booty!

I peaked at the scale today.

I wasn't going to until Friday morning...but I couldn't help myself once I got out of the shower.

And....

Goal accomplished!

I am 30 pounds lighter. I am 30 pounds healthier. I am 30 pounds stronger. I have also worked on my emotional connection with food, and had some pretty good victories in that department as well.
Feeling pretty darn good today!

Now to come up with the next mini goal....they keep me focused and motivated. Plus with a mini goal I don't get so focused on the big picture that I still have A LOT to lose. I like mini goals :)

Trying to heal

I'm a stress eater. That is not breaking news. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. The trigger is a very familiar feeling. Something happened today to create that feeling. It was a phone call that turned ugly. I don't believe that this person meant to hurt my feelings, but it happened.

I hate confrontation. However, I am getting a little better at letting people know that my feelings were hurt. In this particular case though, I cannot tell the person. Nor would I want to if I could. So the icky feelings are in my tummy...running through my body. In the past, I would not even acknowledge these feelings. I would just go to the pantry and look for food to devour. Mostly salty food, but sometimes chocolate does the trick. I would eat until the hurt feelings were replaced with that overstuffed feeling of overeating. Then there would be remorse for my actions, but still I would not feel the hurt.

Today however, I am trying to just feel the feelings. I want to accept them, give them some attention and TLC, and then hope they dissipate on their own. I don't want to cover them up with food. For a multitude of reasons I want to own these feelings, but mainly because stuffing my face with mindless calories is DEFINITELY counterproductive to achieving my 30 pound weight loss by Christmas. And stuffing my face does not make the hurt go away, it just hides it and starts a vicious cycle of binging, remorse, revulsion, binging again...etc etc.

I have said again and again that this time around I want to "fix" my unhealthy relationship with food. I don't want food to be my crutch. I want to own up to how I feel, and address the issue if that is possible. In this case it isn't so instead I am going to get on the treadmill, and hopefully replace the icky feelings with some "feel good" endorphins. And then release the hurt. No one can make you feel bad without your permission...that is a quote I heard somewhere. It seems very appropriate today.

11 week totals

Yikes! It's been too long since I posted! And I am in a MUCH better frame of mind, which makes everyone happy :)

This week is 11 weeks of this journey...and...drum roll please......

27.5 pounds is gone!!! Woot! 2.5 lbs to go to hit my Christmas goal...I think it's attainable, people! My clothes are getting bagging. I feel amazing. I get so addicted to this feeling that I have no idea why I ever stop and become complacent. But...I am not focusing on that today because today I relishing in my good feelings.

Nate is officially out of school for Christmas break. Two weeks off, and I am hoping not too much boredom. I would like to get some bike riding in with him if the weather is good. We'll just have to see how it goes.

I have been working out a friend of mine. She has been coming over a couple of times a week and I have been putting her through this kettlebell workout. It's a pretty hardcore workout, and she is doing amazing! She was extremely sore after the first time, but not as bad after that. She tells me that she has a friend willing to pay me for a good workout. That makes me really happy since I am supposed to be working on getting certified for personal training. If someone is willing to pay me now...I just may be able to make a little money doing it once I am certified :)

If I could make money getting people fit, it would hold me accountable to stay fit. That is a huge dream of mine. Although it seems pretty attainable. I seem to be my own worst enemy so as long as I keep my eye on the prize, it will come to be :)

If you can believe it, you can achieve it

*Warning* If you are reading to be inspired, maybe you should come back another day.

I am having a moment. Actually, this whole week has been a moment. And. I'm. Sick. Of. It.

Food has not been my friend this week. I have been very hungry. Well, that might not be true. The emotional Kelly is hungry, but for I what I do not know. Therefore, food and I have been adversaries this week. I went out to eat more times this week than I have in the last 10 weeks. I ate consistently more calories than I am used to consuming. My exercise calories burned was not as good as it's been. Yada. Yada. Yada.

Apparently, my perspective is whacked! I lost 2.5 pounds this week. WHAT?!?!? Seriously. I feel like I have been at war within myself, and I guess I won. Maybe I wasn't even at war. Maybe my head was playing emotional games with me. Maybe it was a test. All I know is that this week was hard. It has been the hardest of all the 10 weeks so far. I wanted to quit. I wanted to eat french fries. I didn't want to count calories.

I didn't quit.

I didn't eat french fries.

I counted my calories.

I thought that this post was going to be a whiner session. I thought that I was going to be "oh poor Kelly...this is sooo hard. You might as well quit" Hmmm..interesting that as soon as I started typing my mind said, "Hey now! Wait just one minute! You did some pretty good things this week!"

I didn't realize until just now that I had done anything good this week. I have been so focused on the struggle that I forgot to celebrate some of the small victories. Interesting.

I actually talked a lot about this with Jim today too. But I was pretty negative then. I told him some of the stuff that I say to myself. Really. Nasty. Stuff. Things that I don't even think about anyone else that has their own journey let alone say it out loud. He said to me, "You know, sometimes you really tick me off when you are so hard on yourself." You know what I said to him? I said it makes me mad too.

I don't know where this internal Kelly came from. Did it happen in the womb? Did it happen growing up with an alcoholic dad? Did it happen because I have always been the chubby girl? I don't know. I do know this. I am almost 43 years old, and that's a really long time to be set in my ways. It's really hard to change internal Kelly....but it HAS to be done. I need to start believing that I am strong. That I am successful. That I am capable. And what needs to change is the reaction to a bad day. Just because I want the french fries doesn't make me a failure at weight loss. Just because I am sick of counting calories today doesn't mean that tomorrow it won't be fun again.

I truly have to change my behavior and attitudes towards myself if I ever want to be healthy, well adjusted, thin, Kelly. It just won't happen without my head on board with the future that I want for myself.

I am strong.

I am capable.

I am successful.

Now to just believe....

overwhelmed...holiday stress?

I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I am not sure if it's the time of year, or if something is going on with me. I don't like this feeling though. I am constantly feeling an invisible time crunch that is all in my head.

The stress is taking it's toll on my resolve as well. The last couple of days I have just wanted to throw in the towel on all of this calorie counting stuff. It's exhausting when you're already feeling overwhelmed. Not only do I NOT want to count calories, I want to make poor choices. I haven't. Yet. And I do feel more in control of my food today, but geez, can't something be easy right now?

Nate has five full days and two half days left of school before Christmas break. Yikes! Then two full weeks off...I am hoping to come up with a lot of fun active things for us to do so that he doesn't just play video games for two weeks. We may go to Tucson to see the in-laws, but I haven't set anything up yet.

Exercise has been going pretty well. I haven't done a lot of really long days, but I have been consistently exercising for an hour minimum. Pretty proud of that :) One thing I have noticed just this week though...I wear a heart rate monitor...and just the last three days my max heart rate for an exercise session has been about 5 beats lower than it was just last week. What that means is that when I am fully exerting myself on the hills or the treadmill my heart rate is going up as high. At first, because I am mean to myself, I thought that I must not be working as hard as I usually do. But...after being the third day of it, I realize that I am pushing myself as hard as I can on the bike ride. So, I guess that it means I need to add more distance or up the gears to work a little harder...woohoo!

I plan on having one snack tonight (maybe two), and leaving the kitchen closed after that. Again, I am feeling a little better today with regards to food so this shouldn't be a problem. If it seems to become a problem, I will probably come and blog some more:)

Beautiful day :)

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving afternoon. This was the day that I hit my 2 month goal of 20 lbs lost :) It was a beautiful day, and the sun was warm and vibrant.

Yesterday was the choir concert, and I had all the food issues. I ended up going for a bike ride to get a good calorie burn and then I made my own lunch. I figured that if the food provided wasn't something that I wanted/needed then I could eat my own lunch. Boy! Am I glad that I did that! They had spaghetti for us to eat!!! And! And! Our outfits are white shirts! What were they thinking serving us spaghetti??? So anyway...crisis averted...I ate my own food and that way it was fairly healthy and not messy :D

Today has been a hungry day. Not sure why but I am trying to be aware of what is going in my mouth. Plus I am trying to stay busy so that boredom doesn't set in and I munch mindlessly.

Just wanted to get this picture up. Write more soon :)

How big is my commitment?

Today is our huge choir concert! There are six choirs at the college that are performing for a dinner theater tonight. We have two performances, and just going through the dress rehearsal this week I think it's going to be something special to be a part of tonight. I wish that I could be a guest to view it as spectator rather than being sequestered in a small room most of the time unless I am on stage...ah...but the price of performing :)

Here is my dilemma: We have to be at the college at 1pm for warm up, fine tuning, and to be ready to perform at the first show at 3pm. There is a two hour break between performances, and during that time the music department is feeding all 185 singers. They have not told us what the food is, and they haven't mentioned that if it's something really unhealthy that I don't want to eat...can I leave and go to Subway...hmmm.

I am nervous, and I can't just wait until it's all over to eat since we won't be finished until close to 10pm..sigh.

My choices: Eat what they are providing for us and hope that there are some choices that I can live with, pack my own food, risk the chance that I will be allowed to leave and go to Subway, or do a good workout this morning to counteract the potential damage of the dinner....sigh.

I don't have any idea what I am going to do.

I am leaning towards doing a workout this morning AND packing my own food as a "just in case" situation, but eating what they provide if there are some decent choices.

This commitment to myself is sometimes very difficult.

A quick check in

I feel as if I have so much to write about, and yet I have ignored my blog all week! Yikes! What is up with that!

First and foremost.....

22 pounds in 9 weeks!!!!

I am pretty proud of myself for that accomplishment....I can't say that it's been all that hard physically. There is a lot of emotional stuff that has presented itself, and I feel like I have handled it pretty well. However, I have A LOT of negative self talk that I need to figure out how to stop. *sigh*

I have a great support system these days with friends, my mom, my husband, and even my son. It's amazing how I can have so many supportive people in my life. I wish that I felt even half as strong as everyone in my life seems to think I am.

So..I have more to write later...but at least wanted to get my weight loss out there for you to see :)