Spinning out of....

Have you ever been on one of these? If you have, then you have noticed that if you hang on to the outside edge you feel as if you are spinning so fast that you are actually flying. However, if you stand in the middle, you can actually stand up straight and balance. It feels as if you are barely moving.

I feel as if I am in the center of my own private merry go round. Everything and everyone are spinning crazily in the direction of their dreams and goals while I am in the middle, standing still, watching it all happen without me.

I know that I am responsible for my own dreams and goals. I just don't feel passionate about anything right now. I am spending all of my energy on standing still that I can't even imagine taking that small step outward to begin to spin. I need a change, but am paralyzed in the center. I am afraid to take a step. What if it's the wrong choice? What if I am not good at it? What if I can't go back? What if...what if...what if.

I can't remember ever feeling like this before. I don't like it one little bit, but I seem to not be able to change it at the moment. I want there to be directions to this crazy life. I want someone to say to me, "This is what you are good at, and this is what you were born to do, and if you listen to me you cannot fail." That's pretty crazy, huh?

Oh how I wish that could happen....

I need direction...career-wise, spiritual-wise, and just in general. There has to be something about this crazy game of Life that I am not getting. I must not have been handed all of the rules or something. However, no one has I am sure. Up until this point in my life I have done great. I have set a goal, gone for it, and achieved it. Now, I just don't have a goal. And without that critical step, I can't move out of the center.

I have no wise answers here, and I absolutely know that they must come from within, but I needed to verbalize my questions and feelings to maybe be able to point myself in the right direction.

Back to reality

We made it back from Laughin safe and sound. It was extremely hot, but we had a great time. We went to movies, hung out at the pool, and talked and laughed A LOT. It was really good to reconnect. I find it hard to balance being a wife and being a mom...I can't seem to do both at the same time. Do other women have this issue?

Friday was our first full day home, and I had several things on the mandatory to-do list. I accomplished those, and yesterday I pretty much collapsed. I was so tired yesterday that I could barely function. I am not sure why this keeps happening, but it isn't just in my head. I slept until 7am today, and I NEVER do that!

So now I am trying to decide if I take it easy today or if I go outside to weed. I could also do any number of things on the "list" but maybe I will just listen to my body and relax today. The "list" can be worked on tomorrow when Nate is back in school.

I will be back in health/exercise mode tomorrow as well. I need to stick to the plan that I mapped out! I am also actively looking for a job now...so if anyone has any ideas...I am open to hearing them :)

homebody

We leave town tomorrow for our annual anniversary trek to Laughin. I have mixed feelings about this trip. I am excited to get away for a couple of days without Nate (I haven't been apart from him longer than about 18 hours since sometime last year!), but I am still not recovered from all the traveling we did all summer.

I am such a homebody. The actual act of getting me to go anywhere is brutal. I hem and haw about the decision to go, then I don't act like I want to go (which I don't), and then I just get grumpy for the couple days before we leave because of the 50 million things that have to be done in order to leave....but...once I get wherever we are going I have fun. So that is what I am counting on...relaxing by the pool (in 108 degree weather), going to movies, and just vegging out without anyone needing anything from me..ahhhhh :)

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. Maybe that is why I am feeling blue today. He would have been 64. I can't believe that he has been gone for almost 4 years!!! That just doesn't seem possible.

I did end up studying yesterday...yippee for me! I finished the last chapter in the section that I was in, and was able to take the next set of quizzes. I got 38 out of 40 correct!!! Woot!!!

Until Thursday....

The stats are in for the first week :)

The first week of my "plan" comes to a close. How did I do? Hmmm...take a look...

My plan:
Exercise 5x...actual 4x
Study 5x...actual 4x (but to my credit today isn't over yet so it could be 5x)

Better than last weeks totals, but still not where I want to be. Plus, the type of exercise that I actually did was the treadmill for 30ish minutes and some ab work and stretches. I need to get my cardiovascular strength back some before I can add in spin and I need to add a bike ride in also.

I ate VERY well 4 days as well...then there was a slight break down in my plan. Our anniversary was Thursday, and we started the day with breakfast out at Cracker Barrel therefore not much in the healthy choices department (not that I really wanted to choose healthy ) and ended the day at Baskin Robbins...ya see...not much healthy :)

Just that little derailment took me off course for another 2 days, but woke up this morning re-committed myself and away we go!

Change

I wrote a resume for myself today. I haven't written a resume in 17 years! It was very difficult to put into words what I think my strengths are to someone else. I am basically a stay at home mom who most of the time doesn't feel like I a viable contributor to society. Ha. How is that for some negativity!? Yuck!

Anyway, I need a job. I don't think that I need a full time job, just something that brings in a few hundred dollars per month to help pay our bills. Plus I want a bit of a cushion if and when I don't have full apartments again.

I love staying at home and taking care of things, but it's also time for me to be, well, me again. I miss talking to adults. I miss being an earner. I miss having some validation of the good work that I can do, because you know being a mom is pretty thankless..ha ha.

I read a quote today that I fell in love with:

Change for the better requires your effort.Change for the worse requires you do nothing at all.

Gosh, I love that!!! I actually think that I am going to post that at my desk. I have been feeling like I am standing in the middle of a merry-go-round while everything is spinning I am just in one spot. Not moving. No advancement. I need to make some changes, but change paralyzes me with fear! I am trying to make a conscious effort to make some small change everyday, and that way eventually I will get to a different spot and be able to reassess my goals/dreams.

The plan is working (so far)

I did it! I got up early this morning (although not nearly as early as I wanted) and did 30 minutes on the treadmill, then some ab work and stretches...lovely way to start my day :)

Got my sweet 3rd grader off to school, and came home and studied! I am very proud of myself :D

I am also doing very well with the counting calories and mindful eating...all in all a good start to the school year!

I need to get some pics up here of our trips this summer so that I have a way to memorialize them without scrap booking at the moment.

I have been feeling some discontent in my life, and for the longest time have thought that it was the sickness. Now...not so sure...may be having a midlife crisis...but need to blog/journal/pray about it so that it becomes clearer than the muddy waters it is now.

The switch is on!

Five months ago yesterday is when I got sick...5 FREAKIN' MONTHS of my life...just gone. Since I believe that everything happens for a reason, there must have been a reason for me to have been so down and out for so long.

I have tried and tried over the last couple of months to figure it out. Today, I may have found the answer. I have spent the last 2 years exercising my little heart out. I was good...great even at spin, lifting weights, etc. However, I hadn't lost ANY weight during that time. I ate what I wanted and worked out 5-6 days/week and called it good. Well guess what? It wasn't good.

It is time to focus on the calories going in this body. And today...the switch turned on. It feels good :) I have decided to count calories. Which holds me accountable for all that goes in my mouth since I will have to write it down..hee hee. There is a method to my madness.

I feel really good with this decision, and I know that as long as I am aware of how much I am consuming then it will eventually help me lose some of this excess weight. I am going to work towards exercising 5 days/week, but right now I don't seem to be able to do more than 3 days and sometimes only 2. I will get there. It will get better.

This is the best I have felt mentally in a really long time. I am patting myself on the back for this positive movement and encouraging myself that even though it will be hard the results are worth it!!!!

A plan!

School starts tomorrow. It is bittersweet. I am excited to get back to my routine of health and fitness plus begin to work on some "me" projects, but I have also enjoyed the time this summer of not having to be anywhere at a certain time. Yikes! That doesn't sound much like me does it????

I think that when I got sick that my desire to "do" something all the time went kaput. I would like it back, and I think that school starting is the first step. I have a plan to work towards. I don't think that I will be able to jump into this plan with both feet and have it work right away, but it is something that I hope is in place by September.

Here it is;

Monday: Get up and spin!!! Take Nate to school, and study for 2 hours on my certified trainer course.

Tuesday; Get up and walk/ride my bike/yoga. Take Nate to school and study for 2 hours.

Wednesday; Spin, Nate to school, hang out with the hubby (his day off)

Thursday; No exercise but study

Friday; Spin, Nate to school, study

Saturday; bike ride

Sunday; study/clean house

Well there ya have it...exercise 5 days/week and refocus on my certified trainer certification. Once I am finished with that I plan on spending the same amount of time editing my book. I also need to figure some income earning potential in there...but...not exactly sure how yet. Would really like to love doing Mary Kay again....wondering if it's possible????