Feeling blue-ish

Today is Thanksgiving.  The traditional day to tell your friends and loved ones how grateful you are to have them in your life.  That is exactly how I feel.  I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing husband and son, and I can't even begin to talk about all of the amazing women that I have met in the last two years with my bootcamp business.  It makes me all teary and mushy inside.  But...I feel like there is something missing.  Something big.

I envy the people in this world that at 12 years old (or younger) know exactly what they want out of life.  They have it all figured out....career, spouse, kids, pets, house...it's all planned out.  From the outside it looks just perfect. 

But...what about people like me.  In high school I wanted to be a writer or a chef.  In college I was told I couldn't write.  So I got a degree just the about the complete opposite of writer...economics.  I never held a job in that field.  I have changed focus in my life 5 or 6 major times.  I am not talking different jobs in the same-ish field.  Nope.  I went all crazy each of those times and turned my life in a completely different direction.  At the time it seemed fun.  Today it just seems like a giant case of ADD.

I am about to embark on yet another complete turn.  I am starting my masters degree in January.  There are many things that lead to this epiphany, but in simplest form my body cannot handle teaching bootcamp and aerobic classes for the next 20 years.  I needed something easier physically.  I want to teach junior high math.  Yikes! 

I am scared that I will finish my degree, have thousands of dollars in loans to pay back, get a job, and then 5 years from now decide it just wasn't for me.  Do I have ADD?  Do I just get bored?  I don't know.  But I am scared.  And I have a feeling that because of this scary thing happening, I have absolutely no desire to eat healthy.  I put on a big act of being "all put together and in control" when really I am just a frightened middle aged woman afraid that I won't leave a mark on this world. 

So while I am really grateful and thankful for all that I have and the people that are in my life, I am terrified that this next big thing isn't what I want either.  I wish that I could be satisfied with good enough. 

I don't know how to balance it all

I am posting here because I don't want to post on my Bootcamp site.  I am feeling less than athletic, less than smart, less than nutritious, less than "all put together", and I don't know how to get out of this spiral :(

There is so much that has happened in the last 6 months. 

I was put in a walking boot this past summer, and that is probably the beginning of the end of my healthiness journey.  I was depressed.  I couldn't do anything exercise-wise except swim.  That is a very volatile combination in my world.  I ate.  And I ate.  And I ate some more.  Blah.

I am out of the walking boot now (since end of July).  My Achilles feels great most of the time, but I find myself favoring it.  I am wearing orthotics in my shoes.  They are wonderful on my Achilles...not so much on my opposite knee.  My personal theory about my knee though is if I would just lose the weight that I have gained...it would not hurt so much :(

My husband had a scary doctor appointment in August that threw us both for a loop.  I don't deal well with stress...so I ate some more :(  I am not going to go into the details but suffice it to say that this will rock our world eventually and not in a good way.

So....a direct result in my Achilles not liking step aerobics AT ALL and the potential scary medical stuff...I took a full time job at my son's school.  I am the kindergarten aide in the classroom. 

I have not had a full time job since Nate was about 3.  It has been a difficult transition.  I am trying to find the balance to work, workout, eat right, and be wife and mother..ARRRRGGGGHHH!  Balance is really hard.  I know that I need a plan.  I know that I need a few plans.  I know that I need to journal my food and count calories, but I am just so tired working full time that it all seems so overwhelming. 

I was hoping that by writing everything down here today that I would feel motivated to have a game plan.  I want to get through the holidays with no weight gain!  And honestly I would love some weight loss. 

Here I am again.  Broken.  Sad.  In desperate need to start this journey again :(  I really never wanted to be in this position again.  I have to face the music though.  It is time.  It is today.