Feeling Groovy

Another week of the January come and gone...weird, right? Pretty soon we are going to be saying, "Where did the first half of this year go?!" It is just crazy how much faster time goes the older you are :D

So far this week I have put in 48 miles, and I still plan to exercise both days this weekend. Feeling pretty good with all that I have accomplished this week. Almost 6 chapters in my training book, and good mileage plus lots of personal stuff too. It always makes me happier when I feel productive!

My eating has been good this week. I haven't talked about my food intake much. I count my calories, and the website I use says to lose 1 pound/week I need to be eating 1700 calories. I rarely eat that many. I usually eat somewhere between 1200-1500. I realize that I should try and eat more, but I am just not hungry enough to keep eating. I am guessing that is why I am losing on average 2.5 pounds/week. I try to eat a variety of fruits and veggies, but it sure is hard in the winter. It is too cold for salad, and the fresh veggie choices are just not up to summertime standards. Our staples are green beans, asparagus, Brussels sprouts, and broccoli. We eat lots of squash though...my favorite food in the winter :)

Still no binging. I haven't even been tempted at all in the last four months. I am pretty proud of that! I sometimes question why I haven't, and I really hope that the reason is that I have done some of the tough emotional work that leads me to be addicted to food in the first place. I feel like I have confronted all of the "trigger" feelings head on and owned up to them and then released them...so to have the payoff be no binging is a sweet reward!

This was just a quick check-in for the weekend. I may have some exciting news next week...*fingers crossed* and I will keep you posted!

Another mini goal hit!

I have now lost 40 pounds in 16 weeks!!! WOOT! I am averaging 2.5 pounds per week. That's a lot, and I still think it will slow down soon. I would hope that it doesn't slow down too much, but it is expected at some point.

Stress is still the focal point of my day, and I am trying to be logical and systematic about it all. Problems don't just disappear, and I feel that I will have the biggest success if I tackle one thing at a time. It seems to be working. I didn't have too much in the anxiety department today (although I had a massage so it's pretty hard to be anxious in the middle of that).

I have been getting up at 5am all week to work on my trainer certification. It's coming along pretty good. I have completed 5 1/2 chapters in 3 days! I will be done in no time! I am excited! I have some really good ideas (I hope) to get clients and to help people achieve their fitness goals. For a long time, I was dragging my feet on finishing the course because I figured who would want to hire me....but...now that I have lost 40 pounds and I am halfway to my goal (just about) my confidence is huge! I have TONS of passion for exercise, and I think that shows no matter how much I weigh. I actually think that maybe it will give me an edge with the kind of clients that I want anyway.

This post is all jumbled together. I guess I just had lots of different things to say :) But mainly I wanted to record that I have lost 40 POUNDS!!! Woot!!!

stress is a b*tch

I am usually a stress eater. I have been working diligently on this emotional side of eating, and stress eating is a big part of my recovery. I have a ton of stress. A lot of it is very personal, and I won't go into it here...because really who wants to hear my sob story when everyone has their own issues. I don't think mine are any better or worse than the next person's stuff so no need to go into it. Let's just suffice it to say that stress is a huge part of my day.

I am very proud of the fact that I haven't binged at all in 4 months. I am cautiously optimistic that maybe I have not because I am owning my feelings instead of shoving them down with food. I am not so naive to think that I won't slip up someday, but I hope that as long as I acknowledge how I am feeling and doing proactive things to counteract my stress then I should be good in the long run.

Whew...I just took a short break from blogging to do a little proactive work on my stress. I am feeling a little better :)

Anyhoo....I am not sure that I have a huge point to make here other than I needed to be blogging about my stress rather than obsessing about it and possibly eating. I just know that stress is a huge factor in a lot of health issues and I am trying very hard to just stay in the moment, not worry, and know that my actions will eventually make everything turn out alright.

A little more upbeat...I think

Blah! That last post was a negative Nelly post! I was going to delete it, but then decided that it did have some merit. There are things about me that I would change personality-wise, and there are things about me that I love.

I love:

That I am able to encourage my friends and family sincerely in all that they strive to accomplish.

That I am really strong in the moment of crisis ( I just fall apart later).

That I am smart.

That I have a decent sense of humor (although my husband thinks otherwise).

That I am physically very strong.

That I am fiercely independent.

What I don't love about me:

I am judgmental at times.

That I let small upsets rule my mood instead of just getting "over it".

That when I say something that is perceived differently than I intended, I get all bent out of shape.

That I am pretty closed mouthed with those closest to me about what I am "really" feeling.

That being vulnerable scares the H*LL out of me.

That when I am overwhelmed, instead of breaking things into manageable parts I end up spinning my wheels more than I care to admit.

That I am fiercely independent.

Okay...so there ya have it. I want to better the whole me. I want to "fix" these personality quirks that end up sending me over the edge to bingeland. I am extremely proud of myself for not binging at all in just about 4 months. I have done really well at recognizing emotional hot spots, acknowledging my feelings, feeling those d*mn feelings, and riding the wave back to feeling "normal". I want to continue to feel successful in this journey.

Yes, my feelings were hurt today but so were those of the person that hurt mine. I wish that we could figure out a way to not be pushing those buttons all the time. Maybe we will eventually but until then, I will just acknowledge my own feelings and let them go :)

Some journeys are harder than others

Journey to a better me...that is what I named this blog. When I first decided on the name, I figured it was all about being better health-wise. That if I had better nutrition and better fitness then it would equal a better me.

Hmmm...

I didn't really think at the time that I would have to journey to a better me in any other area, but what I have found out is that in order to be a healthier version of me I need to work on all of the emotional stuff that turned me to food in the first place. What I have found out is that I am not sure I like myself all that much.

I am not sure how people describe me. I would imagine that the people that don't know my inner thoughts and feelings would describe me as happy, encouraging, motivating, funny, and maybe some other positive words.

The people that really know me. The people that I am closest to...they probably describe me a whole lot differently. Moody, cranky, needy, and sullen are just a few words that they probably use. I know that we all have a different persona at different times depending on lots of different factors. But...is it possible to change? I don't know. In the last few years, I have lost several people in my life that I considered friends and two of them I had considered really good friends. Two accused me being too needy, and just not able to deal with my friendship anymore. One just completely deleted herself from my life without any explanation. And the last there was cause, with the feelings pretty mutual.

I think that we all need people in our life that love us warts and all. But what if you want to stop showing your warts? What if I want to change who I am and how I am seen? Is it possible? Is it even smart? If I change who I am does that change all of my relationships?

Am I really a selfish person? Do I think of myself before all others? But if I don't look out for myself, who will? Today I was told that I am basically mean. This person means a lot to me so to hear that is very difficult. We are very close, but tend to push each others buttons very easily. But today, she has me questioning the very core of my being. I don't like how I feel when I fight with someone. I don't like that I can't tell someone how I really feel until it has festered and about ready to explode. I don't like that I am judgmental. I wish there was an easy fix to all of this, but I suspect that like weight loss it is a long hard journey of change. So the question is....am I willing to put in the work? Do I want real, honest relationships with people? Or do I want everyone to think that I am happy, encouraging, and motivating no matter what is really going on on the inside? If I always appear happy and encouraging will that make it true or does it just make the "real" Kelly disappear even more....

A little neurotic

This post is going to show my neurosis very well, I think. Here ya go....

I weigh myself once a week. I am diligent about that because the scale can make me crazy. When I step on the scale, I look down and mentally record the number that I see. It is a digital scale. I know people that get on the scale two or three times to see if it changes numbers and then pick the lowest. I don't do that. I get on once, and record that particular number. So far I sound normal, right? Oh just you wait...lol.

I have been very diligent with my food and exercise and the scale has gone down accordingly. I am averaging 2.5 lbs/week. That is a lot of weight to lose every week, and I assume that I will see the weight loss slow down at some point. My view on the rapid weight loss is that I eat when I am hungry, and I am eating foods that I can eat the rest of my life. I don't feel deprived, and I don't go to bed hungry. With all of that, I am not worried that I am losing weight too quickly and that it will just come right back when I stop my "diet". Here's the thing...I am not on a diet. I truly am eating the way that I can sustain forever! I wouldn't be doing this again if I didn't think that I will be successful. And I will be successful this time at maintaining my goal. I have already told you that I am working on the why of my eating as well. I am NEVER going down this road again where I am faced with losing 75 or 100 pounds. I am just not going to do it. Therefore, I WILL be successful. That is the only option.

Okay...so here is the neurotic part. During the week when I am not stepping on the scale, I get little pangs of panic that my scale must be broken. That there is NO way that I have really lost 38 pounds. That someday I am going to get on the scale, and it will show closer to my starting weight. That maybe I have only lost 20 pounds or 15 pounds...or maybe none at all. I told you...neurotic!

I know that my scale isn't broken. I know that I have lost a lot weight. My clothes are changing, I feel better, I have more energy, I have a waist :) I think that this is just my head needing to catch up to my body. My body is changing fast, and my head can't wrap itself around that very easily. I know what I see when I look in the mirror, but I have no idea if it matches what others see when they look at me. I am afraid that the two don't match. But...my head will eventually catch up. I am working too hard on the emotional stuff for it not to.

This journey isn't easy, but it sure is worth it!

On track

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a fairly uneventful day, and that was just fine. Jim and I had are fun in Laughlin earlier in the week which made yesterday just the icing on the cake (so to speak).

The one observation that I noticed yesterday is interesting to me. I have my health on track, my fitness on track, a lot of personal goals on track, and it seems that there always needs to be that one thing that is out of whack. The apartments are the thorn in my side. I don't like them. I don't want them. Being a landlord is not something that I am good at, apparently. If I don't have them, I definitely have to have a "real" job in order to pay bills.

I need a game plan. And I am working on one right now. It is just frustrating to have all of these wonderful things happening to me personally and physically and then to get slapped up side the head with the apartment crap. I am far too responsible to just walk away...but that is what I feel like doing. I just won't.

But as the game plan is formulated more clearly, I will articulate.

On the plus side, I lost two more pounds this week. Woot! And that was with a couple of days of a mini vacation! I am two pounds away from my 4 month goal, and 4 months (16 weeks anyway) is next Friday! It feels good to be on track and focused!

End of my birthday year recap

Today is my last day of being 42. Hmmm....

43 sounds so old to me for some reason, yet I don't feel old. I am lighter and fitter than I was a year ago. I am healthier than I was a year ago just based on the food that I eat. A lot happened in the last year that I never care to repeat.

* Hiking to the bottom of the Grand Canyon...I have done it twice...don't need to ever do it again.

* Sick for 7 months...really really really never have to do that again.

* Lost my desire/motivation to be fit....never want to lose this fire in me.

* Financially a very rough year with the apartments...it's on the mend so hopefully it stays that way.

Some things that I would love to see happen in my 43rd year of life:

* Get to my goal weight!

* Learn (for real this time) how to maintain my goal weight when life comes at ya fast and furious!

* Exercise 3000 miles this year :)

* Finish my personal trainer certification AND get some clients!

These are some big wants in my life...I know that I am capable of doing anything that I really set my heart and mind to, which is why I think all of these are doable. It will be challenging, but I like a challenge ;)

Just pluggin' along

I have a goal for the year. Did I tell you? I don't think I did...I think I just broadcast it on Facebook. That is the same as telling the whole world, isn't it? ;)

I am going to walk, run, bike, or swim 3000 miles in 2011. Yep. I am! That is the distance between LA and New York City...I thought that it was doable, but definitely challenging. How am I doing so far? Hmmm...well I am 42.5 miles behind so far. But...I haven't been able to ride my bike very much lately do to the huge snow storm we had here. The mileage averages out to 8.23 miles/day for the year. I can do it. I will do it. And as soon as I can ride the trail again, I will catch up to where I need to be.

There is a ticker along the top of the blog now to track my progress..so you all can see if I am going to make it or not :)

I needed a goal. I am happier when I have a goal, and more specifically an exercise goal. I know that I am going to continue to lose weight, but I like to have some sort of fitness related goal as well. This seemed to fit the bill nicely.

We are heading out of town for a couple of days for my birthday. Yikes! In less than a week I am going to be 43 years old! How did that happen? I don't feel 43. I don't think I look 43. 43 sounds so old. However, since I don't look, feel, or act that age I think I will survive this birthday. But I will keep you posted just in case I don't.

Nothing else exciting is happening...hence the blog post title. I am just...pluggin' along.

36 Pounds!!!

Tomorrow is 14 weeks of this journey :) I have had so much focus that it seems hard to believe that it has been that long....it is almost 100 days. Crazy! But the scale, my clothes, my mental state, my peeking out (can almost see muscle definition) muscles, and just how good I feel has kept me focused so far and I imagine that it will keep me focused for quite awhile.

I do have my first big temptation coming up this next week. We are going away for 2 days for my birthday to Laughlin, NV. The land of the buffets and all night breakfasts...I have a plan though! We have decided that we will not eat at any buffets. Instead we will have reasonable breakfasts either at Subway or another chain, try to find decent places for lunch, and then dinner we will splurge a little (price wise) and eat at Outback or another steakhouse. I am mostly worried about lunches, but there is always Subway if I can't find anything else.

It would be great to maintain my weight next week...and that is my goal. I will exercise while I am there as well.

I am back to working on my personal training certification. I need to finish it!!! I am ready to see if it is something that I would like to do. Exercise is my passion, and I know that people can see that about me. And I think that is a huge benefit to the whole personal trainer idea :) If you have passion for anything that you do, it is the first big step towards success.

It has been nice to have Nate back at school...I have been able to get back into a routine and start a few new ones :)

Back to school day :D

This morning Nate went back to school...yippee!!! I know that teachers are one of the hardest working groups of people out there, and that they deserve the school breaks...but really...really...REALLY glad Nate went back to school today.

I think New Year's resolutions happen because most people have just had 2+ weeks of complete chaos with Christmas preparations, festivities, food, decorations, etc. Then as soon as things can go "back to normal" we have this huge desire to organize, clean, redo, renew. At least that is the way things seem to be happening for me :)

I know that I have said I don't do "traditional" resolutions, and I really don't. However, I am in full blown cleaning and organizing mode today. The house is quiet, exercise is completed, and now I can just enjoy some organizing with the constant noise of the Xbox or Nate telling me how bored he is..yippee!

Speaking of exercise :) I ran again today! I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, and in that 45 minutes I did 9 one minute intervals of running..woot! It still feels good :) I stretched really well after, and my legs/knees feel amazing! Again, I can't even begin to describe the joy that I have about this!

I just wanted to do a quick check-in...back to cleaning :)

I ran yesterday :)

Happy New Year! Yesterday didn't start out as a very happy new year, but the day improved considerably as the day wore on. It was FRIGID here! I woke up yesterday morning to a temperature of 1 degree...yep...1. Crazy cold! Nate's toilet had frozen, but of course I didn't know that until after I used it :(

Then, a little bit later, I received a text from a tenant that her heat wasn't working :(

By then, I was in full meltdown mode. Realistically, I know that worrying and fretting doesn't get you anywhere....however, when you are in the moment, it is hard to remember that. Jim and Nate decided to leave the house for a little bit (smart boys), and I decided to get on the treadmill for as long as I could before my mom came over to lift weights.

Stress was high. I was walking at my normal 4.0 mph when I thought, "what have I got to lose?" I am going to try and run a little and see how it feels.

(For those of you that don't know or don't remember...I used to run all of the time. It is pretty much my favorite thing to do. But a little over 2 years ago, I got injured. I haven't been able to run since. I have tried cortisone shots, physical therapy, rest, you name it...I have done it. Walking even hurt for a long time, but biking didn't which is how I got interested in biking. )

Okay, so now we are back to yesterday. I figure that I am already in a crappy mood, so if it hurts to run it won't make my mood any worse (really good attitude, right?). I bump up the speed on the treadmill....oh my goodness! I am running (okay jogging really) and there is NO pain!!!!

Just about immediately I felt those running endorphins kick in like there is no tomorrow! My stress just floated away, and joy replaced all the Debbie downer feelings I had hung on to all morning. I spent the next 20 minutes running 1 minute and walking 2 minutes. Holy cow! I felt FANTASTIC!!!

My knee felt a little stiff as the day went on, but I stretched really well last night and woke up this morning feeling perfect :) I did yoga this morning to stretch some more (I don't want to jinx it), and I still feel great!

I don't plan on jumping right into a running routine, but I do plan on incorporating it back in slowly. Oh how I have missed you running :) Maybe just maybe...I will be able to run some races again. *fingers crossed*

I can't even begin to describe how happy I am today :)